Not 1 week since my last post, but 1 week since school started back up for me. It took so little time to get back into the swing of things, it feels like I've been back for months. So far, TKD is going on without a hitch. We lost 1 instructor though. He decided it wasn't fun any more, so he quit. This guy is also one of my roommates. I don't really care that much, so I don't there will be any drama between us. As for the other instructor, I'm not so sure. I could be wrong, but I get the impression that she's a little bitter about it.
What else is new? Not much, really. I got another job. I'm now a DJ for this local radio station. It's a little crazy right now. I've already made a number of mistakes. Most of them had to do with me not completely understanding how the equipment works yet. Oh well. I'll get it eventually. I've only had 2 shifts so far.
Anyway, hopefully everyone's enjoying the new semester!
-Robbie
Showing posts with label tae kwon do. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tae kwon do. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Compliments
I'm not sure why I thought of this, but I thought it'd be a fun post to make.
I want to hear from you guys:
A. What are some compliments that you often hear from people?
B. What's the nicest compliment that you've ever been given that you can remember?
C. What are some strange compliments that you've been given?
Here are my answers to my own questions:
A. You give amazing hugs, you have nice hair, you're smart, you're really flexible (only my non-tkd friends tell me this lol. different standards). This isn't a verbal compliment, but my friends frequently confide their problems to me. I consider it a compliment that they trust me that much.
B. I wish I was a strong as you (some context: she was referring to my coming out in high school)
C. You have a very masculine walk (what made this an even stranger compliment, is that it was given to me by a guy who had admitted to stalking me before he actually met me), you breathe very properly (this compliment came out of the blue from a friend who was sitting on me while watching a movie), you have good posture (same friend....)
Anyway, I'm done talking about myself. I want to hear from you!
-Robbie
I want to hear from you guys:
A. What are some compliments that you often hear from people?
B. What's the nicest compliment that you've ever been given that you can remember?
C. What are some strange compliments that you've been given?
Here are my answers to my own questions:
A. You give amazing hugs, you have nice hair, you're smart, you're really flexible (only my non-tkd friends tell me this lol. different standards). This isn't a verbal compliment, but my friends frequently confide their problems to me. I consider it a compliment that they trust me that much.
B. I wish I was a strong as you (some context: she was referring to my coming out in high school)
C. You have a very masculine walk (what made this an even stranger compliment, is that it was given to me by a guy who had admitted to stalking me before he actually met me), you breathe very properly (this compliment came out of the blue from a friend who was sitting on me while watching a movie), you have good posture (same friend....)
Anyway, I'm done talking about myself. I want to hear from you!
-Robbie
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Kung Fu Fighting!
I'm not sure if I've mentinned this before, but I've started learning my second martial art: Wushu!
Wushu is basically a modernized version of Kung Fu. I'd say more, but since I've only just started learning it, I'm not that comfortable with my knowledge of it. Anyway, one of my TKD students has been practicing Wushu for years, since before learning TKD. The other black belts and I had talked to him to see if he would be allowed/interested to teach some Wushu to the class (since we lost our home school awhile back and are therefore an "unofficial" TKD school, we decided we might as well take advantage of our situation and teach things that you wouldn't normally teach in a formal TKD school). Anyway, he talked to his Sifu (teacher; see-foo), who gave him permission to teach us. It was a lot of fun. It moves very differently than TKD, and it's been a little awkward to learn so far, but I'd like to think I'm picking it up pretty well.
Here's the first form I'm learning. My student (or teacher in this case lol) taught it a little different. I looked through a few videos of it on youtube, and this one is the closest I could find to the way he teaches it.
Anyway, that resting stance she does? Where she's basically sitting? Yeah, that was a bitch to learn it's really awkward and hurts your knees at first. Now that I can do it pretty well, it's kindof fun. I like to impress people by randomly falling into it lol.
That sweeping arm movement towards the end was also really awkward to learn. I'm learning my second form now, which I can't find a video of, mostly because my student/teacher doesn't really bother telling us the names of these forms. He has such little confidence in his pronunciation skills with these Chinese names, that he's afraid he'll accidentally say them completely wrong.
When he teaches, I've tried calling him Sifu, but he hates it when I call him that. He says that it's not inappropriate to call him that, he just feels weird being called that name since all of his Sifus are much older and way more experienced than him.
I really want to go to a real Wushu school. My teacher tells me that there's a lot of stuff that he's not allowed to teach, and that you have to go to an actual school in order to learn it
Wushu is basically a modernized version of Kung Fu. I'd say more, but since I've only just started learning it, I'm not that comfortable with my knowledge of it. Anyway, one of my TKD students has been practicing Wushu for years, since before learning TKD. The other black belts and I had talked to him to see if he would be allowed/interested to teach some Wushu to the class (since we lost our home school awhile back and are therefore an "unofficial" TKD school, we decided we might as well take advantage of our situation and teach things that you wouldn't normally teach in a formal TKD school). Anyway, he talked to his Sifu (teacher; see-foo), who gave him permission to teach us. It was a lot of fun. It moves very differently than TKD, and it's been a little awkward to learn so far, but I'd like to think I'm picking it up pretty well.
Here's the first form I'm learning. My student (or teacher in this case lol) taught it a little different. I looked through a few videos of it on youtube, and this one is the closest I could find to the way he teaches it.
Anyway, that resting stance she does? Where she's basically sitting? Yeah, that was a bitch to learn it's really awkward and hurts your knees at first. Now that I can do it pretty well, it's kindof fun. I like to impress people by randomly falling into it lol.
That sweeping arm movement towards the end was also really awkward to learn. I'm learning my second form now, which I can't find a video of, mostly because my student/teacher doesn't really bother telling us the names of these forms. He has such little confidence in his pronunciation skills with these Chinese names, that he's afraid he'll accidentally say them completely wrong.
When he teaches, I've tried calling him Sifu, but he hates it when I call him that. He says that it's not inappropriate to call him that, he just feels weird being called that name since all of his Sifus are much older and way more experienced than him.
I really want to go to a real Wushu school. My teacher tells me that there's a lot of stuff that he's not allowed to teach, and that you have to go to an actual school in order to learn it
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Happy Belated Coming Out Day!
I really wanted to make a post yesterday, however i had issues with my computer. I got a virus, and it made my computer too slow to do anything. I also didn't feel comfortable making a blog post on someone else's computer.
I have 2 interesting NCOD stories though. My school's Homecoming.....celebration.....thing..... was yesterday, and I was unaware. I went to the quad because the GSA had a table there to petition for the school to give benefits to same-sex partners. When I got there, I found a giant rainbow bounce house, a large stage, and 90's music blaring. I vote that next year, every school's GSA should rent a rainbow bounce house to NCOD, otherwise we might be outdone by greek life.
Story #2- I'm not the only LGBT student who does TKD at my school. In fact, I've had a handful of LGBT students the past couple years, not all of them 100% out. There have been a couple students who have come out to me, while still being in the closet to others. There's this one student in class, who idk for sure is LGBT, but I see this student at a lot of LGBT functions. In class on NCOD, one of the other instructors made a joke about how this student should show off their skills to their opposite-sex significant other. This student started laughing uncomfortably. Now, this instructor didn't mean any harm and is in fact very supportive of LGBT issues. Part of me wanted to pull the other instructor aside and inform them of the issue, but I knew that would violate the student's personal privacy. It sucks that you can't come out for someone, even if you're trying to help. Plus since idk if this student is LGBT, I could've outed them when they really didn't need to out them.
Anyway, that's what happened to me on NCOD. As a present for putting up with my absense, here's an awesome video enjoy
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Office Elections
We had office elections in TKD for the past couple weeks. As it stood before, I was President, with two other black belt instructors being my "assistants," though really we divided the power evenly. The only difference was that I have the connection to the gym which we practice in and to our school's student organization funding committee. I was never elected to the job, the previous instructor chose me because at the time, I was the only other black belt attending class regularly (the two who help me now had issues with the previous instructor).
Anyway, the other two black belts and I decided that we want to be less dictator-like and have the students involved. We did make a note that a black belt had to be president, because A)it was part of our constitution and B)it looks much better to the university if a black belt is in charge.
Our plan didn't go over so well though. Very few people were nominated. The black belts were more or less the only ones that received votes for pres, vp and treasurer. There were tons of students who were nominated for public relations chair lol (pr chairs get to plan our social events).
So I ended up being elected treasurer, while the other two black belts were elected pres and vp. I have mixed feelings about being treasurer. On one hand, treasurer has the most responsibility in the class, and all of the students know this, so it's flattering to be the most trusted. On the other hand, I really dislike the job. I was stuck doing it last year, and handling all of the business bullshit sucks. Still, I'm kindof glad I got the job because frankly, I don't know if I can trust the other 2 black belts to handle the job very well, and I have no problem saying that because they've said it themselves.
On a different note, I learned something interesting about myself yesterday: I get really irritated whenever people give me good advice, but for completely irrelevant reasons. I was in organic chemistry lab, and the experiment required me to add a pinch of table salt. I was being a bad chemist (I openly admit it) and chose not to put on gloves for this. Not wearing gloves is usually a bad idea for different reasons. Which reason depends on the situation. In this situation, my hands may have been dirty and I risked contaminating my sample. I was aware of this, but I was already having a bit of a bad day, so I just didn't care. Plus, it was only salt, so I didn't have to worry about it being corrosive to my skin. Before I took some salt, I carefully checked the label of the container, making sure it was really salt. I also asked the lab assistant if it really was just table salt, and she confirmed. My professor caught me handling the salt with my bare hands and started lecturing me about why that's bad. Here's where the irrelevant part comes in. He was going on and on about how while this time it was salt, next time it could be something that will burn a hole in my hand.
While this is really good advice, it was completely irrelevant to this particular situation. I was fully aware that salt was safe to touch; if I was handling something that wasn't, I would've definitely worn gloves. I also checked both the label and the assistant, making absolutely sure it was salt and not something else. If my professor argued that my hands weren't clean, I'd be okay with getting lectured.
I know I'm being immature about getting mad at this. I also get mad whenever people's explanations for things are completely wrong (or at least in tkd I do).
Question(s) of the day: What are some things that really get on your nerves?
If you'll notice on the right, I now have a formspring! Ask me anything!
Anyway, the other two black belts and I decided that we want to be less dictator-like and have the students involved. We did make a note that a black belt had to be president, because A)it was part of our constitution and B)it looks much better to the university if a black belt is in charge.
Our plan didn't go over so well though. Very few people were nominated. The black belts were more or less the only ones that received votes for pres, vp and treasurer. There were tons of students who were nominated for public relations chair lol (pr chairs get to plan our social events).
So I ended up being elected treasurer, while the other two black belts were elected pres and vp. I have mixed feelings about being treasurer. On one hand, treasurer has the most responsibility in the class, and all of the students know this, so it's flattering to be the most trusted. On the other hand, I really dislike the job. I was stuck doing it last year, and handling all of the business bullshit sucks. Still, I'm kindof glad I got the job because frankly, I don't know if I can trust the other 2 black belts to handle the job very well, and I have no problem saying that because they've said it themselves.
On a different note, I learned something interesting about myself yesterday: I get really irritated whenever people give me good advice, but for completely irrelevant reasons. I was in organic chemistry lab, and the experiment required me to add a pinch of table salt. I was being a bad chemist (I openly admit it) and chose not to put on gloves for this. Not wearing gloves is usually a bad idea for different reasons. Which reason depends on the situation. In this situation, my hands may have been dirty and I risked contaminating my sample. I was aware of this, but I was already having a bit of a bad day, so I just didn't care. Plus, it was only salt, so I didn't have to worry about it being corrosive to my skin. Before I took some salt, I carefully checked the label of the container, making sure it was really salt. I also asked the lab assistant if it really was just table salt, and she confirmed. My professor caught me handling the salt with my bare hands and started lecturing me about why that's bad. Here's where the irrelevant part comes in. He was going on and on about how while this time it was salt, next time it could be something that will burn a hole in my hand.
While this is really good advice, it was completely irrelevant to this particular situation. I was fully aware that salt was safe to touch; if I was handling something that wasn't, I would've definitely worn gloves. I also checked both the label and the assistant, making absolutely sure it was salt and not something else. If my professor argued that my hands weren't clean, I'd be okay with getting lectured.
I know I'm being immature about getting mad at this. I also get mad whenever people's explanations for things are completely wrong (or at least in tkd I do).
Question(s) of the day: What are some things that really get on your nerves?
If you'll notice on the right, I now have a formspring! Ask me anything!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Settling in
So I finally feel like I've settled into the school year. I've gotten into routine with my classes, I've gotten used to living with roommates again, etc.
On the TKD front, we're been making lots of progress. There was a lot of stuff that needed to get done. Since we lost our old homeschool, we basically had to sit down and make up our own system for the time being until we find someone else. That means we had to come up with ranks (how many and what belt system to use), come up with the requirements to promote to each rank, come up with the rules for sparring in class, etc.
On another note, my school is doing The Coming Out Monologues again this year. This year, I'll be helping out with organizing it. It won't be put on until next semester, but we'll be working on reading through story submissions this semester. The guy who currently runs it is graduating at the end of the semester, so I'm helping out as much as I can. It's my job to make sure that the show doesn't fall through after he leaves. This means that I'll be in charge during auditions, rehearsals, and getting things reading on the actual night. I'm glad the current guy will still be around for all the space reservations and such. I'd hate to have to decide when the rehearsals and the actual show should be all by myself.
Well, that's about it.
Later
On the TKD front, we're been making lots of progress. There was a lot of stuff that needed to get done. Since we lost our old homeschool, we basically had to sit down and make up our own system for the time being until we find someone else. That means we had to come up with ranks (how many and what belt system to use), come up with the requirements to promote to each rank, come up with the rules for sparring in class, etc.
On another note, my school is doing The Coming Out Monologues again this year. This year, I'll be helping out with organizing it. It won't be put on until next semester, but we'll be working on reading through story submissions this semester. The guy who currently runs it is graduating at the end of the semester, so I'm helping out as much as I can. It's my job to make sure that the show doesn't fall through after he leaves. This means that I'll be in charge during auditions, rehearsals, and getting things reading on the actual night. I'm glad the current guy will still be around for all the space reservations and such. I'd hate to have to decide when the rehearsals and the actual show should be all by myself.
Well, that's about it.
Later
Monday, September 6, 2010
Stuff going on right now
It's been months since I've made a post about what's going on in my day-to-day life. School started recently. I'm living in this new house off campus with two of my friends from TKD. It's been interesting so far. Out of the 3 of us, I was the only one who was here during the summer (I was taking classes). It was strange when the first moved in and I suddenly had to get used to living with people again. On the plus side, I was getting a little lonely. Between my house mates moving in, and my friends moving back to school, it was nice to have frequent company again.
The first week or so of school was pretty frustrating. I've decided to change my major from chemistry to psychology, and since I made my schedule before this decision, I had to change my classes at the last minute, go a few classes without books, debate with the administration over giving me overrides into certain classes, etc. I think that's finally settled, though, so things should get less hectic.
As far as TKD goes, I am now the head instructor, however I am sharing my power with two other black belts since last year proved to me that I wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility all by myself. I'm slowing discovering how much business is involved in running a campus club that the old head instructor neglected to mention to me, such as filling out a club registration form in order to let the university know that your club still exists. Another change is that we lost our home school, so now our entire club has lost its official status as a school of TKD. This has its ups and downs. On one hand, our students' ranks will probably have absolutely no value outside of our school (which they seem to be ok with). On the other hand, we are now allowed to incorporate anything into our program that we want instead of having to conform to the curriculum of a more traditional school. Hell, we could mix in some Kung Fu if we really want to. I love the freedom we all have, but I really wish we could be official again. In the long run, a rank is just a piece of fabric, but it also represents the student's accomplishments, and it would suck if no one outside of this school respected those accomplishments.
I guess I might as well mention, if I haven't already before, that I'm single again. There wasn't any huge fight or anything. We both agreed that our feelings for each other died down, so it'd be best to call it off before some major fall out would happen. We're still close friends and hang out regularly, so don't worry. There's no hard feelings on either side. There isn't really anyone new I have my eye on. I'm not really looking either. Right now, I've got to get settled back into things here at school
The first week or so of school was pretty frustrating. I've decided to change my major from chemistry to psychology, and since I made my schedule before this decision, I had to change my classes at the last minute, go a few classes without books, debate with the administration over giving me overrides into certain classes, etc. I think that's finally settled, though, so things should get less hectic.
As far as TKD goes, I am now the head instructor, however I am sharing my power with two other black belts since last year proved to me that I wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility all by myself. I'm slowing discovering how much business is involved in running a campus club that the old head instructor neglected to mention to me, such as filling out a club registration form in order to let the university know that your club still exists. Another change is that we lost our home school, so now our entire club has lost its official status as a school of TKD. This has its ups and downs. On one hand, our students' ranks will probably have absolutely no value outside of our school (which they seem to be ok with). On the other hand, we are now allowed to incorporate anything into our program that we want instead of having to conform to the curriculum of a more traditional school. Hell, we could mix in some Kung Fu if we really want to. I love the freedom we all have, but I really wish we could be official again. In the long run, a rank is just a piece of fabric, but it also represents the student's accomplishments, and it would suck if no one outside of this school respected those accomplishments.
I guess I might as well mention, if I haven't already before, that I'm single again. There wasn't any huge fight or anything. We both agreed that our feelings for each other died down, so it'd be best to call it off before some major fall out would happen. We're still close friends and hang out regularly, so don't worry. There's no hard feelings on either side. There isn't really anyone new I have my eye on. I'm not really looking either. Right now, I've got to get settled back into things here at school
Monday, May 10, 2010
Coming Out pt 3: Learning to accept myself
I'm gonna start of mentionning something that happened recently. My dad is one of the higher-ups at a med school. A student at this school committed suicide. My dad had never personally met this kid, put hearing about this brought up some painful memories of my mom, who committed suicide when I was 6. When he found out about it, he spent the rest of the afternoon crying. My dad is usually the kind of person who tries to supress those kinds of emotions. He decided to take it upon himself to talk to the kid's parents and help them through this. For those of you reading this who are religious, please pray for this kid's parents and for my dad. They need them.
Interesting coincidence that this happenned now, cause this next part of my story is about my own experience with suicidal thoughts, among other unhealthy thoughts.
I was a very angry kid through most of highschool. Part of it was my problem accepting that I was gay, and part of it was having to deal with the comments of other students. As I said before, sometimes it seems like every other comment made during school was anti-gay. I would just sit there and listen to them. Occasionally, I'd make one or two myself, just in case someone would find it suspicious that I never made any gay jokes. I was completely miserable at this time. I hated the other kids in school for the shit they said. Sometimes, it would be unbearable. I wanted to hurt them. Whenever they would get on a roll and say one gay joke after another, I'd imagine myself snapping and attacking all of them. I never did though. I think I have Tae Kwon Do to thank for that. It was a great way to vent my anger and learn to control it. Accidents happen a lot in Tae Kwon Do. People do sometimes get hurt. I'm thankful for these accidents, because they helped remind me that a) I hate hurting people and b) I can really hurt people if I tried.
It's funny. Hurting someone during the match feels like a sign of weakness. You're supposed to understand your strength and be able to control it. When you fail and hurt someone, you feel extremely guilty. It sucks because sometimes it's hard to maintain control, especially when facing a tough opponent. Towards the end of a fight you get tired and can't think straight. You forget to control yourself, and let go. Then, someone gets hurt. It takes a high level of maturity to accept that accidents happen and forgive yourself. You can't beat yourself up about it. You have to learn from it and move on. If you dwell on it too much, when the next fight comes around, you'll be too afraid of your own strength, hold back, and end up losing the fight.
It's similar to what I dealt with in highschool. Though I never actually snapped, I increasingly lost control over my thoughts. The fantasies I had of hurting kids at school became more violent, brutal and graphic. If it had kept up, I probably would have become one of those school shooters. One day, I just snapped out of it. I realized that I completely lost control. When that happened, I internalized all the anger I had towards the other kids. I began hating myself for being for being such a bad person for wanting to hurt them so badly. It bothered me more and more everyday.
I had finally accepted that I was gay at this point, but I felt that there was no hope for me to have a happy, openly gay life. I slipped further and further into despair. I started having thoughts of killing myself. I thought about it all the time. You know what's weird, all of these depressed thoughts of hating yourself, feeling hopeless for the future, wanting to kill yourself, the become strangely comforting. You have these feelings so often that you start to get addicted to them. They have physical effects too. You feel drowsy and your entire body slows down. It's like a warm blanket wraps around you. It's so comfy that you don't even realize that it's strangling you. I started to plan how I would go about killing myself. I decided that I wanted something quick and relatively painless. I also wanted a way that would leave little mess for my family to clean up. The first tenet of Tae Kwon Do is "Courtesy." I remembered how my mom killed herself. She hung herself in the garage. That seemed like a good way to go: it was quick, and there was no blood or anything.
Remembering my mom was what made me snap out of everything. I remembered how my mom's death destroyed everyone in my family. I realized that I didn't want to put my family through that again. I found my drive to keep going, at least for a little while. I started thinking about what it was like when my mom died. I thought that my life would never be the same and that I'd never be happy again. What made it worse was that most of my close friends had moved away at that time. I felt incredibly alone. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed the similarities between that time in my life and the things I was afraid of dealing with if I came out. I was afraid that I'd lose my family, my friends would all move away from me, my life would never be the same and that I would never be happy. Once I realized these similarities, I thought, If I was able to get through all of this once, maybe I can get through it again.
They say that God has a plan for everyone. Everything happens for a reason. Well, if God exists, maybe that horrible time in my life happenned to prepare me for all of this. If I wasn't forced to go through all of that, maybe I wouldn't know that I had the strength to get through this. Maybe I wouldn't understand how much suicide destroys people, and that I'd never want to put anyone through that. I started having hope for my situation.
I'm looking at what I'm writing, and it sounds like this all happenned pretty much all at once. It really didn't. It took a long time to get through this depression. Even when I made all of these connections, I still had to tell myself over and over again that everything was going to be okay.
Interesting coincidence that this happenned now, cause this next part of my story is about my own experience with suicidal thoughts, among other unhealthy thoughts.
I was a very angry kid through most of highschool. Part of it was my problem accepting that I was gay, and part of it was having to deal with the comments of other students. As I said before, sometimes it seems like every other comment made during school was anti-gay. I would just sit there and listen to them. Occasionally, I'd make one or two myself, just in case someone would find it suspicious that I never made any gay jokes. I was completely miserable at this time. I hated the other kids in school for the shit they said. Sometimes, it would be unbearable. I wanted to hurt them. Whenever they would get on a roll and say one gay joke after another, I'd imagine myself snapping and attacking all of them. I never did though. I think I have Tae Kwon Do to thank for that. It was a great way to vent my anger and learn to control it. Accidents happen a lot in Tae Kwon Do. People do sometimes get hurt. I'm thankful for these accidents, because they helped remind me that a) I hate hurting people and b) I can really hurt people if I tried.
It's funny. Hurting someone during the match feels like a sign of weakness. You're supposed to understand your strength and be able to control it. When you fail and hurt someone, you feel extremely guilty. It sucks because sometimes it's hard to maintain control, especially when facing a tough opponent. Towards the end of a fight you get tired and can't think straight. You forget to control yourself, and let go. Then, someone gets hurt. It takes a high level of maturity to accept that accidents happen and forgive yourself. You can't beat yourself up about it. You have to learn from it and move on. If you dwell on it too much, when the next fight comes around, you'll be too afraid of your own strength, hold back, and end up losing the fight.
It's similar to what I dealt with in highschool. Though I never actually snapped, I increasingly lost control over my thoughts. The fantasies I had of hurting kids at school became more violent, brutal and graphic. If it had kept up, I probably would have become one of those school shooters. One day, I just snapped out of it. I realized that I completely lost control. When that happened, I internalized all the anger I had towards the other kids. I began hating myself for being for being such a bad person for wanting to hurt them so badly. It bothered me more and more everyday.
I had finally accepted that I was gay at this point, but I felt that there was no hope for me to have a happy, openly gay life. I slipped further and further into despair. I started having thoughts of killing myself. I thought about it all the time. You know what's weird, all of these depressed thoughts of hating yourself, feeling hopeless for the future, wanting to kill yourself, the become strangely comforting. You have these feelings so often that you start to get addicted to them. They have physical effects too. You feel drowsy and your entire body slows down. It's like a warm blanket wraps around you. It's so comfy that you don't even realize that it's strangling you. I started to plan how I would go about killing myself. I decided that I wanted something quick and relatively painless. I also wanted a way that would leave little mess for my family to clean up. The first tenet of Tae Kwon Do is "Courtesy." I remembered how my mom killed herself. She hung herself in the garage. That seemed like a good way to go: it was quick, and there was no blood or anything.
Remembering my mom was what made me snap out of everything. I remembered how my mom's death destroyed everyone in my family. I realized that I didn't want to put my family through that again. I found my drive to keep going, at least for a little while. I started thinking about what it was like when my mom died. I thought that my life would never be the same and that I'd never be happy again. What made it worse was that most of my close friends had moved away at that time. I felt incredibly alone. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed the similarities between that time in my life and the things I was afraid of dealing with if I came out. I was afraid that I'd lose my family, my friends would all move away from me, my life would never be the same and that I would never be happy. Once I realized these similarities, I thought, If I was able to get through all of this once, maybe I can get through it again.
They say that God has a plan for everyone. Everything happens for a reason. Well, if God exists, maybe that horrible time in my life happenned to prepare me for all of this. If I wasn't forced to go through all of that, maybe I wouldn't know that I had the strength to get through this. Maybe I wouldn't understand how much suicide destroys people, and that I'd never want to put anyone through that. I started having hope for my situation.
I'm looking at what I'm writing, and it sounds like this all happenned pretty much all at once. It really didn't. It took a long time to get through this depression. Even when I made all of these connections, I still had to tell myself over and over again that everything was going to be okay.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Coming Out pt 1: the Phase
You know the phrase "bi now, gay later?" Usually when it's said, it implies that people who claim to be bi are simply unable to accept and acknowlege that they are completely gay. However, it's been suggested by psychologists that many people, particularly teenagers, experience some degree of bisexuality as their sexual attraction developes. Many people simply turn out to be bisexual as adults, while for many others, the attraction towards one sex goes away for the most part, if not entirely, while the attraction towards the other sex becomes prominent.
When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.
It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)
Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.
Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)
As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me
When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.
It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)
Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.
Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)
As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me
Friday, April 23, 2010
TKD Lesson
So a while ago, I promised I'd explain Tae Kwon Do a little more. I feel like making a TKD post today, so here you go.
TKD is a martial art that was developed in South Korean. Historically, It has very close ties to the Japanese martial art, Karate, and the two are often confused. They share most of the same moves, however Tae Kwon Do puts slightly more emphasis on kicking.
Within TKD, there are many branches. The two main branches are called World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and International TKD Federation (ITF). I know, there's not much of a difference between the words "world" and "international" when used to refer to a sport. Originally, I studied under ITF and earned my black belt under ITF, but the program offered at my school is a WTF program. In order to become an instructor there, I had to completely learn the new style. It was actually pretty hard to do, because a lot of the differences are subtle (such as slightly different ways to perform certain techniques), and it was hard fighting muscle memory to do things their way. Besides the subtle differences, there are also some more noticable ones. One big difference is that they teach different sets of forms. If you don't know what forms are, read my post called "New Form." Another big difference is sparring. Sparring is where two fighters put on pads and fight each other for a set period of time. There's some variation between different schools under the same branch, but here are the basic differences:
WTF sparring: If you've ever watched TKD at the olympics, this is the style you saw. It's usually continuous sparring (meaning the match continues without stopping unless there's a foul during the match). Matches are full contact. You are not allowed to kick off of the same leg without setting your leg down, so you see a lot of alternating kicks. You're also not allowed to punch to the head. Fighters are also required to wear a Hogu, or chest protector. Fighters are allowed to kick to the back as long as the area is covered by the protector. Traditionally, every technique is worth one point, so you almost never see a kick to the head. They've changed it recently so that head techniques are worth more. These matches put emphasis mostly on speed and power, and you don't see much strategy or blocking.
ITF sparring: I prefer this style. Most matches are continuous sparring, but some schools still do point sparring (meaning the match stops every time someone scores a point). Matches are medium contact. Unlike WTF, you're allowed to kick with the same leg without putting it down, so you see a lot of single leg combos. Also, you are allowed to punch to the head. Hogus are not required and most fighters on't wear them (they kill your flexability). However, you're not allowed to kick to the back. Different techniques score different points. The point system varies, but generally, more difficult techniques score more points. In these matches focus much more on strategy and technique. You also see a lot more blocking
Anyway, I think that's enough for today's lesson. If you have any questions, let me know!
TKD is a martial art that was developed in South Korean. Historically, It has very close ties to the Japanese martial art, Karate, and the two are often confused. They share most of the same moves, however Tae Kwon Do puts slightly more emphasis on kicking.
Within TKD, there are many branches. The two main branches are called World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and International TKD Federation (ITF). I know, there's not much of a difference between the words "world" and "international" when used to refer to a sport. Originally, I studied under ITF and earned my black belt under ITF, but the program offered at my school is a WTF program. In order to become an instructor there, I had to completely learn the new style. It was actually pretty hard to do, because a lot of the differences are subtle (such as slightly different ways to perform certain techniques), and it was hard fighting muscle memory to do things their way. Besides the subtle differences, there are also some more noticable ones. One big difference is that they teach different sets of forms. If you don't know what forms are, read my post called "New Form." Another big difference is sparring. Sparring is where two fighters put on pads and fight each other for a set period of time. There's some variation between different schools under the same branch, but here are the basic differences:
WTF sparring: If you've ever watched TKD at the olympics, this is the style you saw. It's usually continuous sparring (meaning the match continues without stopping unless there's a foul during the match). Matches are full contact. You are not allowed to kick off of the same leg without setting your leg down, so you see a lot of alternating kicks. You're also not allowed to punch to the head. Fighters are also required to wear a Hogu, or chest protector. Fighters are allowed to kick to the back as long as the area is covered by the protector. Traditionally, every technique is worth one point, so you almost never see a kick to the head. They've changed it recently so that head techniques are worth more. These matches put emphasis mostly on speed and power, and you don't see much strategy or blocking.
ITF sparring: I prefer this style. Most matches are continuous sparring, but some schools still do point sparring (meaning the match stops every time someone scores a point). Matches are medium contact. Unlike WTF, you're allowed to kick with the same leg without putting it down, so you see a lot of single leg combos. Also, you are allowed to punch to the head. Hogus are not required and most fighters on't wear them (they kill your flexability). However, you're not allowed to kick to the back. Different techniques score different points. The point system varies, but generally, more difficult techniques score more points. In these matches focus much more on strategy and technique. You also see a lot more blocking
Anyway, I think that's enough for today's lesson. If you have any questions, let me know!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
My students
At TKD practice this week, our students have been going through pre-testing. Every once in a while, we hold a promotion test where students can earn their next belt rank. At this test, the head of our TKD home school (the TKD program offered at my college is a branch of this man's program) comes down to run everyone's test. Before any of our students can actually test though, my co-instructor and I have to approve them by making sure they know all of the material by having them run through it. That's what pre-testing is. Testing always makes me think back on how far each of my students have come. They really have no idea how proud I am of them. You see all kinds of kids come into TKD. The ones who I'm most proud of are the ones who find some way of bettering themselves through the program. I see angry people come in and watch them slowly learn how to control their tempers. I watch shy kids slowly become more confident and come out of their boxes.
One student, I'll call her Lisa, started coming to class when her friend dragged her along. She used to be extremely depended on her friends for motivation. Now, she's become very strong, independent, confident and no longer needs anyone as a crutch; she now comes to class on her own, even though her friend is now studying abroad and doesn't come to class with her anymore.
I think the student who I'm most proud of is that guy that I'll call Tommy. TKD is something that just does not come natural to Tommy. When he came in, he was single-handedly the most awkward student I've ever seen. However, his mentality in class is the best I've ever seen. He's kind and respectful to everyone in class, he listens to advice, he's willing to try new things all the time, and he's not afraid to give everything his all. He perseveres more than anyone I've seen. He still struggles whenever he has new techniques to learn, but he's one of the better students when it comes to the techniques that he's already learned.
I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I felt the need to express how much I care about these kids. (I call them kids, but really they're all around my age)
One student, I'll call her Lisa, started coming to class when her friend dragged her along. She used to be extremely depended on her friends for motivation. Now, she's become very strong, independent, confident and no longer needs anyone as a crutch; she now comes to class on her own, even though her friend is now studying abroad and doesn't come to class with her anymore.
I think the student who I'm most proud of is that guy that I'll call Tommy. TKD is something that just does not come natural to Tommy. When he came in, he was single-handedly the most awkward student I've ever seen. However, his mentality in class is the best I've ever seen. He's kind and respectful to everyone in class, he listens to advice, he's willing to try new things all the time, and he's not afraid to give everything his all. He perseveres more than anyone I've seen. He still struggles whenever he has new techniques to learn, but he's one of the better students when it comes to the techniques that he's already learned.
I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I felt the need to express how much I care about these kids. (I call them kids, but really they're all around my age)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
New Form
So in Tae Kwon Do, there are these things called "forms," or "patterns." These forms are basically a choreographed set of moves used to demonstrate different techniques. I decided recently that it would be fun to make up a form using bits and pieces of forms I already know. Here are the ones that I'm gonna use:
Choong Moo: this is a form learned by people who learn TKD from the International TaeKwonDo Federation (ITF). It's the form I learned as a red-belt/black-stripe (the rank right before black belt) This form is maybe my favorite one to perform
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivdVFnOXu3A
Kwang Gae: This is the first black belt form in ITF. It's actually really hard to do properly since those slow movements require a lot of control. (also, those low-high double side kicks are a bitch!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QcmRQWUxao&feature=related
Koryo: This is the first black belt form for students who are trained by the World TaeKwonDo Federation (WTF). This one isn't as hard as Kwang Gae, but again, those double side kicks are really hard to do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTU0jnGs4G0
If you guys are confused by the whole ITF vs. WTF thing, don't worry, I'll explain what they are in greater detail in a later post
Choong Moo: this is a form learned by people who learn TKD from the International TaeKwonDo Federation (ITF). It's the form I learned as a red-belt/black-stripe (the rank right before black belt) This form is maybe my favorite one to perform
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivdVFnOXu3A
Kwang Gae: This is the first black belt form in ITF. It's actually really hard to do properly since those slow movements require a lot of control. (also, those low-high double side kicks are a bitch!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QcmRQWUxao&feature=related
Koryo: This is the first black belt form for students who are trained by the World TaeKwonDo Federation (WTF). This one isn't as hard as Kwang Gae, but again, those double side kicks are really hard to do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTU0jnGs4G0
If you guys are confused by the whole ITF vs. WTF thing, don't worry, I'll explain what they are in greater detail in a later post
Friday, March 26, 2010
Attempt # 3
As the title says, this is my 3rd attempt at starting a blog.
First time: revealed too much info about myself and deleted the post.
Second time: Made shortly after deleting my first attempt. I made a few posts, but it seemed like no one read it, so i deleted it (i also didn't like how whiney my posts were). My apologies to steevo. i checked my email a week or so after i deleted my posts. apparently, he had been reading them and left a comment. I also apologize to anyone else who may had been reading them.
anyway, attempt #3:
Hey there. call me Robbie. That's not my real name, but i feel more comfortable using pseudonyms. Anyway, a little bit of info on myself. I'm a 19 year old college sophomore. I'm currently a Tae Kwon Do instructor at my school. I'm also openly gay. I came out in high school and had an extremely positive response, but I'll talk about that later.
If anyone reading this takes Tae Kwon Do, I earned my black belt in ITF prior to coming to college, however the curriculum taught at my school is WTF, so i've learned that material as well. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. I'll explain in a future post.
anyway, that's all I have to say for now.
later
First time: revealed too much info about myself and deleted the post.
Second time: Made shortly after deleting my first attempt. I made a few posts, but it seemed like no one read it, so i deleted it (i also didn't like how whiney my posts were). My apologies to steevo. i checked my email a week or so after i deleted my posts. apparently, he had been reading them and left a comment. I also apologize to anyone else who may had been reading them.
anyway, attempt #3:
Hey there. call me Robbie. That's not my real name, but i feel more comfortable using pseudonyms. Anyway, a little bit of info on myself. I'm a 19 year old college sophomore. I'm currently a Tae Kwon Do instructor at my school. I'm also openly gay. I came out in high school and had an extremely positive response, but I'll talk about that later.
If anyone reading this takes Tae Kwon Do, I earned my black belt in ITF prior to coming to college, however the curriculum taught at my school is WTF, so i've learned that material as well. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. I'll explain in a future post.
anyway, that's all I have to say for now.
later
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