Coming Out pt 1: the Phase

You know the phrase "bi now, gay later?" Usually when it's said, it implies that people who claim to be bi are simply unable to accept and acknowlege that they are completely gay. However, it's been suggested by psychologists that many people, particularly teenagers, experience some degree of bisexuality as their sexual attraction developes. Many people simply turn out to be bisexual as adults, while for many others, the attraction towards one sex goes away for the most part, if not entirely, while the attraction towards the other sex becomes prominent.

When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.

It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)

Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.

Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)

As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me