Came out again..... sortof.....

We recently had a Christmas party for my step-mom's side of the family.  As far as I know, not many people on my step-mom's side of the family know I'm gay.  A big part of that reason is that I'm really not that close to them, so I don't have any real desire to keep them informed about my life. Another reason is that, because this branch is fairly religion and conservative, my coming out might make them criticize my step-mom, who so far has been very accepting of me, for not taking a strong stance against my sinful ways, or something stupid like that.

I think there are at least a couple members of this branch that have found out, but they haven't brought it up.

Anyway, at this Christmas party, I was in the basement with my younger cousins.  Their ages ran about 6-13, I think.  I can never keep track.  Anyway, they were playing the question game with me and the other high school/college aged cousins, where they ask us a lot of really obscure and sometimes ridiculous questions to see if they can get a funny response out of us.  They don't have very high standards for comedy.  They laughed for about 10 minutes when one of my cousins said his school's mascot is a bulldog.

It came to my turn to be interrogated.  They started asking me questions about my Wii.  They asked me when I got it, and I said "I got it when I first came out."  They started laughing, and I asked why.  They pointed out that I said when "I" first came out, instead of when "it" first came out.  I laughed and said that I didn't first come out until a little while after I bought my Wii.  I was being completely serious, but I don't think any of them picked up on it.  My little sister, who knows I'm gay and was in the room, looked at me and started laughing.

Yeah. That's my holiday story. Later

-Robbie 

Happy Belated Coming Out Day!

I really wanted to make a post yesterday, however i had issues with my computer.  I got a virus, and it made my computer too slow to do anything.  I also didn't feel comfortable making a blog post on someone else's computer.  

I have 2 interesting NCOD stories though.  My school's Homecoming.....celebration.....thing..... was yesterday, and I was unaware.  I went to the quad because the GSA had a table there to petition for the school to give benefits to same-sex partners.  When I got there, I found a giant rainbow bounce house, a large stage, and 90's music blaring.  I vote that next year, every school's GSA should rent a rainbow bounce house to NCOD, otherwise we might be outdone by greek life.  

Story #2-  I'm not the only LGBT student who does TKD at my school.  In fact, I've had a handful of LGBT students the past couple years, not all of them 100% out.  There have been a couple students who have come out to me, while still being in the closet  to others.  There's this one student in class, who idk for sure is LGBT, but I see this student at a lot of LGBT functions.  In class on NCOD, one of the other instructors made a joke about how this student should show off their skills to their opposite-sex significant other.  This student started laughing uncomfortably.  Now, this instructor didn't mean any harm and is in fact very supportive of LGBT issues.  Part of me wanted to pull the other instructor aside and inform them of the issue, but I knew that would violate the student's personal privacy.  It sucks that you can't come out for someone, even if you're trying to help.  Plus since idk if this student is LGBT, I could've outed them when they really didn't need to out them.

Anyway, that's what happened to me on NCOD.  As a present for putting up with my absense, here's an awesome video enjoy

Settling in

So I finally feel like I've settled into the school year. I've gotten into routine with my classes, I've gotten used to living with roommates again, etc.

On the TKD front, we're been making lots of progress. There was a lot of stuff that needed to get done. Since we lost our old homeschool, we basically had to sit down and make up our own system for the time being until we find someone else. That means we had to come up with ranks (how many and what belt system to use), come up with the requirements to promote to each rank, come up with the rules for sparring in class, etc.

On another note, my school is doing The Coming Out Monologues again this year. This year, I'll be helping out with organizing it. It won't be put on until next semester, but we'll be working on reading through story submissions this semester. The guy who currently runs it is graduating at the end of the semester, so I'm helping out as much as I can. It's my job to make sure that the show doesn't fall through after he leaves. This means that I'll be in charge during auditions, rehearsals, and getting things reading on the actual night. I'm glad the current guy will still be around for all the space reservations and such. I'd hate to have to decide when the rehearsals and the actual show should be all by myself.

Well, that's about it.
Later

Coming Out Part 7: Friends and Heroes

It might sound kindof pathetic, but I fell back into depression and suicide for a while. As supportive as my Dad and best friend tried to be, their uneasiness really got to me. If I couldn't count on my Dad to stand by me in case my Mom reacted badly, then it wouldn't really matter if he supported me or not. If my best and relatively liberal friend was uneasy, then how could I trust any of the rest of my other friends?

Luckily, I was quickly brought back out of this depression. Some of you may remember in my "I'm a Mikey, are you?" post, I mentionned a few heroes of mine. This is where they come into play. I discovered Richard Nolan and Robert Pingpank's story during this time (I'm in the spring semester of my junior year in high school at this point). I found a video of them on youtube. They were interviewed for this short documentary called 10 Couples. I won't go into their story here; you can read my earlier post if you want to learn more. Anyway, reading their story really put my life into perspective. I took two big lessons from their story: a) finding someone to love for the rest of you life is possible, even for a gay guy, b) even if situations seem hopeless, you can still pull through. There's no question that the circumstances of their life was hard than mine, so I figured if they can make it, so can I. After reading their story, I was okay where I was in life.

Another hero of mine is Corey Johnson. I forget exactly when I found his story, but I remember it was about half-way through my senior year. Before reading his story, I had absolutely no intention of coming out during high school. I didn't see much of a point. I should clarify, I didn't discover Corey's story on its own. I first found Greg Congdon's story on youtube, which had a link to Corey's. You can read Greg's here http://www.outsports.com/entertainment/20020920jocks2.htm
They had very similar backgrounds, but their coming out experiences were very different. Corey was met by almost complete acceptence, while Greg lost almost everyone. Another big difference was how they came out. Corey came out on his own terms by telling everyone directly, while Greg's family and friends found out after he tried to commit suicide, and one of the nurses told her son, who played football will Greg. I don't know for sure if this difference had any actual effect on their responses, but it made sense to me to think that taking the braver route and telling people directly might make them treat me with more respect than letting them know some other way. If not, at least I'd respect myself more for my own bravery.
Note: I hope no one reads this and thinks I'm trying to insult Greg. I apologize if it reads that way. I think the outcome of his coming out sucks, but people should read it because it shows that things can in fact go wrong.

Anyway, there was something more important that I took from their stories, especially Corey's. I realized how important it would be for me to come out during high school. My high school was this catholic school in this conservative area. I didn't no any other gay students attending. I did find out after I came out that there were a couple selectively out students, but when I was a freshman and sophomore still trying to figure stuff out, I had no one I could talk to. Reading Corey's and Greg's stories, and their responses, made me realize that I might be able to change that for other gay students. Since it was my last semester at my school, I couldn't do much, but I might be able to get the ball rolling, at least.

First thing I had to do was to tell my step mom and little sister. If something bad was going to happen, it'd be better if they knew beforehand. I told my dad that I was going to come out. He seemed uncomfortable with the idea, but he was okay with it. I sat my mom down one day and I told her. She was surprisingly okay with it. I got the impression that she already knew; odds are, my dad told her beforehand. I later told my little sister while we were playing video games. She was okay with it, but I think she was unsure how to respond. I also started going to this local gay youth group. I never really felt like I belonged there, but it was nice to actually meet and talk to other gay kids.

As this was going on, I was slowly building up the courage to come out to my friends. I came out to my next best friend, who I went to grade school with. I called him out to a Best Buy parking lot and told him there. He was really comfortable with it, more that my best friend. I thought that was weird back then, but knowing what I know now, it makes more sense.

As for my high school friends, I wanted to come out to them all at once, rather than individually. A) Individually would take too long. B) I didn't want to pick favorites with them. It was hard to find an opprotunity where they were all together, and when it did happen, I would freeze up and miss my chance. Finally, I took after Corey, and created my own opprotunity. I called them all beforehand and told them that I had something important to talk about before school. Those phone calls were the most terrifying calls I'll probably ever make in my life. After I made my first call, I knew I couldn't turn back. The next day, most of them showed up. Some of them had to leave, so I couldn't wait for the others. I told them. I was extremely quiet. I tried to look them all in the eye, but it was hard. To my surprise, I was met with a giant group hug. They thought I was about to tell them I was dying. It's nice to know my friends would prefer me gay than dead lol. They were shocked though, none of them expected me to be gay. One of the rsponses I got was "But.... you're such a..... guy!" The ones who had to leave left, and some of the ones who were late showed up, so I told again. It was easier this time. Then, more friends showed up. By this third wave, I was so emotionally drained, that I told them so casually, it was like I didn't even care. I told them all to feel free to tell anyone else. I wanted the news to spread so that there'd be a greater chance for other gay students to hear someone came out. What amazes me is that I didn't get a single negative response. In fact, there were a few straight students who later came and told me how inspired they were. I never thought I'd have an impact on them. Even one of the football players (one of the biggest guys on the team) approached me asking me if I really was gay. I thought he was going to try to hurt me, but I looked at him straight in the eye and said yes. He then told me how cool it was that I came out.

The day I came out, there was one friend that seemed like something was bothering him. I thought he was uncomfortable with me being gay. However, he approached me at the end of the day and asked me if it was okay for him to tell his other gay friend about me. I told him of course.

Well, that's it guys. That's my story. Sorry it was so long, and sorry to keep you waiting for these last two parts. I'm not gonna bother telling my college coming out story. There's not much to tell really. I'll be happy to answer any questions regarding my coming out story. Also, if you want to ask me anything else, I'll try to answer those as well. Joey asked me about my first boyfriend, and Swimmerdude asked me about TKD.

Later

Coming out pt 6: My best friend

It's been over a month since my last coming out post. You guys definately deserve an explanation. I'm currently taking summer classes. I signed up for 9 credit hours worth. 6 of those hours were crammed into a 5 week period (one of those weeks I had to miss and make up for). On top of that, I had to move into my new house and fix all of the problems that came along with that (neither the past tenets nor the landlords cleaned the place after they moved out). Essentially, I've had no life for the past few weeks.

I told my brother that I came out to my dad. I also told him that I neglected to mention that my brother and sister already knew. He warned me that I need to tell my dad that as soon as possible. I knew he was right, so I confessed that night. He was a little upset that I didn't "keep it under wraps" like he wanted me to, but we didn't discuss it any more. My dad didn't want to talk about it much. He suggested that I go see a therapist to sort out my feelings. I’m sure some of you are thinking ‘uh-oh’ at this point, but it wasn’t like that. He didn’t want to send me to an ex-gay therapist; he wanted to send me to a normal one. He told me that I still felt unsure, and that I needed to talk my feelings out in order to be sure. In other words, while he still loved me, he still hadn’t entirely accepted the idea and needed an external source to verify it, I guess. I agreed to going to a couple sessions because I actually did want to talk out my feelings with someone who probably had experience with this sort of thing. We hid the real reason for my therapy from my step-mom. Dad and I were still uneasy about her knowing. He told her that I was starting to feel sad about my real mom, whose death was approaching its 10 year anniversary. Looking back, I’m not sure how I feel about him using her death to cover up a lie like that. Then again, I went along with it, so I can’t judge.

I had promised to my dad that I wouldn’t tell anyone else for the time being, but I decided that I still wanted to tell my friends and broke my promise. I decided to tell my best friend first. I mentioned him in one of first posts. He and I have been friends since we were 1-2 year olds when our moms put us together in day-care. When we were little, we used to always play together. We’d build forts, have sleepovers, go sledding, trick-or-treating, everything. We steadily grew apart over the years (most of that had to do with attending different schools). Despite that, we kept decent contact and I’ve always considered him close regardless of how much we grew apart. He is the only non relative that I’m okay saying “I love you” to (well, him and his mom). I guess it’s because I consider them family. This year, we were actually hanging out a lot because we were in Confirmation class together and were in the same group. One night, our class time included going to the confessional. I told the priest that I was keeping secrets from people. He told me my penance and told me that I should trust the people I care about and not keep secrets from them. I wasn’t planning on coming out to my friend that night, but hey, might as well get a jump on that penance. Conveniently, my friend and I were two of the last people to leave, so we had a chance to be alone. Also, the topic homosexuality had been brought up in our group in some way (though I forget why and what was said). I used that to get on the topic and I tried to lead to telling him the truth. I noticed that the more I lead up to it, the more uncomfortable he got and tried to change the subject. I didn’t want to let up, so I eventually blurted it out. His reaction seemed to be a mixture of shock and discomfort. He didn’t know what to say at first. I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I remember that it was short and that at some point he said that he might be a little bi. I didn’t know what to think or say about this. I know that I didn’t believe he was actually bi. I guess I figured that he was just saying it to make me feel more accepted, or maybe he had in fact experience some degree of bisexuality at some point like I did, but wasn’t any more. I remember one of the last things I told him was that lots of straight people experience I bi phase at adolescence (that may be a true statement, but it was probably a jackass thing to say). My friend was overall supportive, but it seemed clear to me that he wasn’t ready for me to come out. I decided that it must be too much to expect a 16 year old from our area to be ready and mature for this kind of thing. I decided that I wouldn’t come out to anyone else for a long time. Still, the fact that my best friend was uncomfortable had me extremely worried. I was afraid that if my best friend wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea (and he was one of my more liberal friends), then maybe there was no chance for my more conservative friends from being supportive.

For those of you who read one of my earliest posts, titled “My best friend is gay,” then you probably have a good idea of what was really going on with my friend when I came out to him. As it turns out, my best friend is also gay. I don’t know what level of self-acceptance he was at when I came out to him, but it was probably way behind mine. He only came out to his family earlier this year. When I was building up to my own coming out, he may have thought that I had figured him out or something. When I came out, it must have been extremely confusing for him. I know that I felt unsure about things when I found out about him. He hasn’t officially come out to me. His mom told me, assuming I already knew. I’m waiting for him to bring up the subject himself, because I don’t want to deny him the experience of coming out to me. As awkward as it was when I came out to him, I’m glad I had that moment.

Coming Out pt 5: Car rides

God it's been really long since my last one of these. I apologize. It takes me a while to write these

So as of Christmas day of my junior year in highschool, my brother now knew I was gay. So far, the world kept spinning.

The next day, my older sister and I left town to drive out to our extended family. They live about 6-7 hours away. My goal was to come out to her sometime during this window. Actually, it only took us till when we were just out of town. We were talking about how fun last night was, so it felt pretty natural for me to start talking about what happened when our brother and I went downstairs to get a soda. She was pretty shocked. Not upset, just surprized. Apparently, she'd been friends with a number of gay guys over the years, but they had all been extremely stereotypical. I was the first guy she knew who didn't act like that. She started asking me questions. A lot of them were about how long have I known and stuff like that, but many of them were checking to see if I just supress my "gay" qualities, such as feminine behavior and personality, etc. Lately, she's been getting better at it, but she still makes the occasional assumption about me. I think she just assumes that I'm the exception to the rule. Maybe I am, but I'd like to think that there are way more masculine gay guys out there than she realizes. Anyway, she didn't disown me, the car didn't swerve, we just talked about it for awhile and then moved on after she asked all of her questions.

I've heard people warn that you should never come out to someone while they're driving. For safety reasons, I can understand the logic. I mean, if they're extremely surprised, then they might jerk the wheel or something. Besides that though, I feel like a car is the most natural place to come out to someone. I think the biggest reason is that there's no risk of someone else barging in on you; for instance, when I came out to my brother, if I had stalled for much longer, my sisters probably would've barged in wondering where we were. Another reason is that you don't have to maintain eye contact. At first, I had a lot of trouble coming out to people and looking at them directly in the eye. In a car, the eyes are on the road.

My sister and I spent a few days with my extended family (none of whom I came out to on that particular trip) then returned home. A couple weeks later, I decided to come out to my dad. In order to prevent myself from chickening out last minute, I told my dad the night before that I had something important to talk to him about. I was planning on talking to him alone at home, but the next morning he offered me a ride to school. My school was a 40 minute drive, so it was going to provide a lot of time for us to talk. Still, I was unprepared to talk about it this early.

We started driving and he immediately asked me what was wrong. It took me a couple minutes to get my thoughts together. Even though I knew I had my brother and sister for support if things went wrong, I was still terrified. I wasn't able to tell my dad "I'm gay." Instead, I said "I think I'm gay." Why did I say it like this? In my nervousness, I stuttered, and adding the word 'think' helped me get through saying it. I wish I hadn't though. He took the fact that I said "think" as a sign that I wasn't entirely sure, that this was a new thing that I was experiencing. I kept trying to explain to him that I was sure, but he wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt. I think he believed me, he just didn't want to.

He started asking me lots of questions. I remember some of his first questions were "Are you sexually or emotionally attracted to boys?" I answered first sexually, then emotionally. "How long have you been sexually attracted to boys?" I think I stopped him at this point. I asked him to start saying men instead of boys. Asking me about my attraction to "boys" made me feel like a pedophile.

All this time while we were speaking, I cold tell that my dad was breaking on the inside, and that says something. My dad has a decent poker face when it comes to hiding his real emotions, but you'd be able to tell he was breaking even if you didn't know him well enough to see through his mask. It wasn't that he had a problem with homosexuality though. A little bit of background on my dad: he grew up poor and had to work his ass off through life in order to be as successful as he is. He made a promise to himself that he would work as hard as he possibly could to make sure that my siblings and I lived with as little hardship as possible. Finding out that despite all of his efforts, one of his kids had to face some terrible stuff without my dad even knowing about it must have been hard to deal with, especially that he had absolutely no idea how to handle this situation. He desperatetly tried to regain the position of people the "experienced parent who knows what to do."

He asked me to "keep this under wraps" for a while. He told me not to tell my older brother or sister, and he especially not to tell my mom. This told me a number of things: he thought that he was the first guy I came to and therefor my main emotional support, and that he was just as afraid as I was that he wouldn't be able to stand up to my step-mom if she reacted badly.

I never expected that by coming out to my dad, I would be more concerned with his emotional well-being than my own. I didn't have the heart to tell him right then and there that my brother and sister already knew. His self-esteem as a parent was already damaged enough for one car ride. So, I decided that for a while, I would let my dad play the role of protective parent so that he would get some of his security back. I felt guilty about lying to him though, but I would tell him the truth soon.

He let me out of the car at school and reassured me that he still loved me and that everything was going to be okay, and I thanked him. I was glad that I now had his support, but I now especially terrified of how my step-mom would react, since I now knew that my dad wouldn't be strong enough to back me up.

Coming Out pt 4: My first steps out to others

I was at a very awkward place in my life. I had my suicidal thoughts under control, at least for the time being. I had no idea what would happen if I were to come out and my family and friends would reject me, though. Sure, I had determined that I COULD survive if I tried, but I wasn't sure if I would have the drive to keep going. I mean, the thing that was keeping me going was the idea that killing myself would hurt my family and friends; if they reject me, then I would be as good as dead to them anyway, so how hurt would they be if I actually died? Besides, I wasn't entirely conviced at this point that there could be some personal happiness out there waiting for me, either in the form of a life-long relationship or anything else. No, at this point I had not yet found any stories that I found personally inspiring. I was a junior in highschool at this point.

I didn't have much faith that my family and friend's reactions would be positive. I had next to no trust in my friends, considering the anti-gay stuff they said so often. I had mixed feelings towards my family. Homosexuality was something that we never really talked about. I didn't know how my family was going to feel. What I did know, was what would happen if my step-mom wasn't going to be okay with it. She and I would have a falling out which would end up with me having to move out of the house. Even if my dad were okay with me being gay, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't be able to stop anything from happenning. I say this all with confidence because something similar happened with my older sister. She's straight, but she and my step-mom never really got along. She had to move out of the house while she was still in highschool.

I decided the first person I should come out to was my older brother. I chose him for a number of reasons. First of all, I'm closer to him than anyone else I know; he's always the first person I go to when I need help with something, and he's the guy who I look up to most in my life. I mean, he's this strong, tough guy, but he's also the kind of guy you can sit down and talk to. On a more practical note, he's grown up and has a place of his own. If things didn't go over well with mom and dad, I could rely on him to give me a place to stay.

I spent a month or so trying to encourage myself to come out to him. There were times when I'd be alone with him, almost tell him, and then back out at the last second. Then there were other times when I'd get close, hesitate and completely miss my opprotunity.

Finally, I was able to come out to him on Christmas day, my junior year of highschool. Yes I know, Christmas day sounds like a horrible choice, but the opprotunity came up, and that was the day I felt ready. We (my older brother, my older sister and younger sister) were all up in my room playing videogames. It was my sisters' turn, so I told them I was going to go get a soda. I asked my brother if he wanted to come with to get one too. When I said this, my older sister figured out I had something I wanted to talk to my brother about, and decided to tease me about it. "OOOOoh. Brother time, huh? Haha! GAY!" Man, she had no idea....
So my brother and I went downstairs to the basement fridge. The whole way down, I was giving myself a pep talk. When we got to the fridge, he asked me what was up. I froze and was suddenly unable to look him in the eye. I started tearing up. I was able to make a couple glances at him. He just stood there, looking at me patiently. I finally managed to say "I'm gay." I said it so quietly, I'm actually surprised that he was able to hear me the first time.

You know how you hear people say coming out feels like a huge boulder is lifted, and you suddenly feel much lighter? Well, for me, it felt more like I was centerstage, naked, in the spotlight, and I had nothing to hide behind. That means something coming from me. I never get stage fright. I was crying at this point, and I found it even harder to look at my brother in the eye. He came over and gave me a hug. He told me everything was okay, and that he still loved me just as much. He said that he was actually had a feeling I was gay, considering I never mentionned girls to him. He then asked a couple questions such as how long have I known, do I have a boyfriend, have I ever had one, do I like anyone, etc.

We kept talking until I was okay to go back upstairs. At the end of the night, he waited till we were alone again, gave me another hug, and reassured me again that he still loved me.

Coming Out pt 3: Learning to accept myself

I'm gonna start of mentionning something that happened recently. My dad is one of the higher-ups at a med school. A student at this school committed suicide. My dad had never personally met this kid, put hearing about this brought up some painful memories of my mom, who committed suicide when I was 6. When he found out about it, he spent the rest of the afternoon crying. My dad is usually the kind of person who tries to supress those kinds of emotions. He decided to take it upon himself to talk to the kid's parents and help them through this. For those of you reading this who are religious, please pray for this kid's parents and for my dad. They need them.

Interesting coincidence that this happenned now, cause this next part of my story is about my own experience with suicidal thoughts, among other unhealthy thoughts.

I was a very angry kid through most of highschool. Part of it was my problem accepting that I was gay, and part of it was having to deal with the comments of other students. As I said before, sometimes it seems like every other comment made during school was anti-gay. I would just sit there and listen to them. Occasionally, I'd make one or two myself, just in case someone would find it suspicious that I never made any gay jokes. I was completely miserable at this time. I hated the other kids in school for the shit they said. Sometimes, it would be unbearable. I wanted to hurt them. Whenever they would get on a roll and say one gay joke after another, I'd imagine myself snapping and attacking all of them. I never did though. I think I have Tae Kwon Do to thank for that. It was a great way to vent my anger and learn to control it. Accidents happen a lot in Tae Kwon Do. People do sometimes get hurt. I'm thankful for these accidents, because they helped remind me that a) I hate hurting people and b) I can really hurt people if I tried.
It's funny. Hurting someone during the match feels like a sign of weakness. You're supposed to understand your strength and be able to control it. When you fail and hurt someone, you feel extremely guilty. It sucks because sometimes it's hard to maintain control, especially when facing a tough opponent. Towards the end of a fight you get tired and can't think straight. You forget to control yourself, and let go. Then, someone gets hurt. It takes a high level of maturity to accept that accidents happen and forgive yourself. You can't beat yourself up about it. You have to learn from it and move on. If you dwell on it too much, when the next fight comes around, you'll be too afraid of your own strength, hold back, and end up losing the fight.

It's similar to what I dealt with in highschool. Though I never actually snapped, I increasingly lost control over my thoughts. The fantasies I had of hurting kids at school became more violent, brutal and graphic. If it had kept up, I probably would have become one of those school shooters. One day, I just snapped out of it. I realized that I completely lost control. When that happened, I internalized all the anger I had towards the other kids. I began hating myself for being for being such a bad person for wanting to hurt them so badly. It bothered me more and more everyday.

I had finally accepted that I was gay at this point, but I felt that there was no hope for me to have a happy, openly gay life. I slipped further and further into despair. I started having thoughts of killing myself. I thought about it all the time. You know what's weird, all of these depressed thoughts of hating yourself, feeling hopeless for the future, wanting to kill yourself, the become strangely comforting. You have these feelings so often that you start to get addicted to them. They have physical effects too. You feel drowsy and your entire body slows down. It's like a warm blanket wraps around you. It's so comfy that you don't even realize that it's strangling you. I started to plan how I would go about killing myself. I decided that I wanted something quick and relatively painless. I also wanted a way that would leave little mess for my family to clean up. The first tenet of Tae Kwon Do is "Courtesy." I remembered how my mom killed herself. She hung herself in the garage. That seemed like a good way to go: it was quick, and there was no blood or anything.


Remembering my mom was what made me snap out of everything. I remembered how my mom's death destroyed everyone in my family. I realized that I didn't want to put my family through that again. I found my drive to keep going, at least for a little while. I started thinking about what it was like when my mom died. I thought that my life would never be the same and that I'd never be happy again. What made it worse was that most of my close friends had moved away at that time. I felt incredibly alone. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed the similarities between that time in my life and the things I was afraid of dealing with if I came out. I was afraid that I'd lose my family, my friends would all move away from me, my life would never be the same and that I would never be happy. Once I realized these similarities, I thought, If I was able to get through all of this once, maybe I can get through it again.

They say that God has a plan for everyone. Everything happens for a reason. Well, if God exists, maybe that horrible time in my life happenned to prepare me for all of this. If I wasn't forced to go through all of that, maybe I wouldn't know that I had the strength to get through this. Maybe I wouldn't understand how much suicide destroys people, and that I'd never want to put anyone through that. I started having hope for my situation.

I'm looking at what I'm writing, and it sounds like this all happenned pretty much all at once. It really didn't. It took a long time to get through this depression. Even when I made all of these connections, I still had to tell myself over and over again that everything was going to be okay.

Coming Out pt 2: Starting Highschool

As I said before, I had a pretty strong Catholic upbringing. I've always believed in God, but I never had a really strong tie to the Catholic church itself. Not that I can remember, anyway. I remember when I was really little that my family would go to church every sunday. We'd go to Christmas and Easter mass, celebrate Advent and Lent, the whole 9 yards. Then, my mom died when I was 6. She committed suicide. After that, my family quit going to church for a long time. I think what happened is that my mom's death caused my dad to lose his faith for a while. This time was particularly hard for me because around this time, most of my close friends had just so happened to move away. I didn't have many people I could talk to. Anyway, my dad met my step-mom, who's a strong catholic, and when they married, we started attending mass regularly again. By we, I mean my dad, step-mom, new little step-sister and me. My older brother was out of the house by this point, so he didn't go, and my older sister refused. I tried to refuse too, but I still had to go.

Anyway, I also started attending Catholic grade school. there wasn't a huge difference between public grade school and Catholic grade school. If it wasn't for the uniforms and the occasional mass, you wouldn't know it was a catholic school at all. Being gay didn't bother me too much there since I was still in denial at that point.

Highschool was a bit different. For one thing, they took religion much more seriously, except they were really bad at it. I don't know what was worse: them severely misrepresenting non-Catholic people and beliefs, or them misrepresenting Catholic beiefs. I won't go into too much detail on this post. The being gay thing was more of a problem here too. I had begun to accept the truth that I was gay, but I was far from being okay with it. The anti-gay stuff was pretty terrible. it wasn't just jokes about stereotypes, sometimes kids would bluntly state how much they hate fags, completely straight-faced. Sometimes it seemed like every other comment was something anti-gay.

You know, the occasional gay joke has never really bothered me. I'm of the mindset that it's okay to make fun of people, as long as it's in moderation and everyone's included/teased. I mean, what would comedy be without making fun of people? What would be left? Puns?
The thing is, when it seems like every other joke is directed at you, it starts to hurt a little. You're not being included, you're being targeted. Sure, you know that a lot of them don't mean what they say, but when you're in the closet, it's impossible to tell who's who. It's really painful not knowing who your real friends are, and who will leave you without second thoughts if they found out you were gay. I don't know if I can even describe the feelings of loneliness. It's like you wake up every morning and think to yourself, "everyone I care about might abandon me if they found out about me." I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the best way I can describe it. What's worse is that I didn't know a single other gay student at my school. I had no one I could talk to about it. I knew I couldn't be the only one, but I might as well have been since I didn't know anyone else. At some schools, you can go talk to a teacher about this stuff. Not at my school. Even the teachers seemed to join in the anti-gay stuff once in a while.

Coming Out pt 1: the Phase

You know the phrase "bi now, gay later?" Usually when it's said, it implies that people who claim to be bi are simply unable to accept and acknowlege that they are completely gay. However, it's been suggested by psychologists that many people, particularly teenagers, experience some degree of bisexuality as their sexual attraction developes. Many people simply turn out to be bisexual as adults, while for many others, the attraction towards one sex goes away for the most part, if not entirely, while the attraction towards the other sex becomes prominent.

When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.

It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)

Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.

Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)

As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me

Coming Out Monologues pt 2

So tonight, my school held it's production of the Coming Out Monologues which I participated in. We had an amazing turn out, especially considering that there was a popular band performing at my school at the same time. The audience seemed to really enjoy it. I'm very proud of myself and my castmates. I think we all did a great job.

My monologue had an interesting response. I didn't read my own story; I read someone else's. This person's monologue was about his coming out to his mom as a kinky dominate and her response to it. There was a lot of giggling and laughter in the room as I read the beginning of mine. The laughter was appropriate for the most part, since there was a decent about of humor in the beginning of it. The laughter came to a halt half-way through though. Halfway through, the guy's mom tells him that if any children disappear around the neighborhood, then she'll know who did it. Everyone laughted at first before it registered with them what the mom actually said. I was actually kindof shocked to hear them laugh at the mom's cruel comment; I thought they would understand what the comment ment immediately, rather than take a couple seconds. In hindsight, I'm glad I misunderstood, because hearing the laughter mad me extremely shocked and sad (which was how the character felt after that comment) and it showed on stage. I really wish I would have thought to adlib the line "I just got called a predator.....by my mom." I feel like that line could've brought it home. Oh well. Everyone still understood how painful the mom's comment was eventually.

After the show, I got a lot of funny comments. I have the sneaking suspition that some of my friends now think that I'm into kink (I'm not) haha oh well.

Coming Out Monologues

So my school is putting on a production of the Coming Out Monologues. The way this show works, is that students submit their coming out stories, then they read their monologue in front of an audience. You can also submit your story and have someone else read it or audition to read someone else's if you don't want to share a story of your own. I really wanted to submit one of my coming out stories and read it myself, but I had too much trouble writing it. The problem was that I couldn't keep it short enough without cutting out too much backstory and emotion for it feel like it had any sort of life or meaning in it. You know what I mean? So instead, I auditionned to read some one else's. I auditionned for a few stories, and the one I got was about a guy who is a dominant in the BDSM culture.

NOTE: I'm not into kink at all. I auditionned for this story because the story was interesting and the writer has a very clear personality, so it seemed like it wouldn't be too hard to recreate this guy's character.

Anyway, I went home this weekend so I could celebrate my sister's birthday. I hadn't told my family that I'm participating in this show, but I ended up mentionning it to them at dinner. My step mom kept asking me questions about it, wanting to know when it was so that the family could come up to see it. To be honest, I don't want her to see me perform. My step mom is the kind of person who reads too much into everything. If she saw me perform this piece, she'd start asking me lots of questions regarding why I picked this one. She'll subtly start accusing me of being into kink. Then, I'll tell her no I'm not, then she'll blunty accuse me of being into kink. I'll continue to tell her no, then she'll say "okay," but not believe me. What will make the situation worse is that the writer talks about his strainned relationship with his mom. My step mom will read too much into that too. She and I have never been particularly close, and for the most part, our relationship is all business and we simply put up with each other. She tends to make a lot of assumptions about what's going on in my head and it really pisses me off. The problem is, she and I think on different wavelengths so she has never made a correct assumption about me. It really gets annoying because she usually assumes the worst in me and it gets on my nerves.

Luckily, my brother was there during our conversation about the show. He noticed me get uncomfortable at the idea of her watching me perform, and asked me if I didn't want her to come. I explained why, and he said he understood and that he'd try to keep her from coming. God I love my brother. He said that he'd still try to make the show though. I wonder how weird it will be for him to listen to his little brother talk about tying up and spanking guys lol

Changing

Last night, my school's GSA had it's biannual dance. I know, how popular could an LGBT dance be on a college campus be? Well, actually, this dance is maybe one of the biggest and most popular parties every semester. Tons of people come, and not just the LGBT kids on campus. We get lots of straight students, we get some high school students (you have to be 16 or older to get in) and older people as well. It's actually a lot of fun. It's held in this giant warehouse off campus. There's a giant dance stage in the middle, and tables off to the side. At the beginning, there are condoms spread over the tables. Those get taken pretty quickly lol (one will inevitably get blown up like a balloon and thrown around like a beach ball). Anyway, after the dance is half over, a drag show begins. There are these 2 professionals who always come down. They're pretty amazing. Amateurs also come up to perform at this time. My friends and I were right up next to one side of the stage, and they kept trying to get me to give ther a dollar, but I was a little afraid of what she'd do. One time, my ex gay them a dollar, and she shoved his head under her skirt. That'd be a little much for me.

Anyway, main point of this post: I bumped into my old lab partner there. When we were partners, he identified as straight. He was overall a really angry and impatient kid, but other than that he showed no reason to believe that he was gay. He talked about girls, had no problem with me talking about guys, showed no signs of being homophobic or even uncomfortable around me or anything. He was also a pretty masculine guy in both voice and mannerisms. At the dance, however, I saw him and this other guy and they were basically all over each other. At first, I thought, wow didn't see that coming but good for him for coming out! That's great! However, I noticed something that really bothered me. His personality and mannerisms seemed completely different. He didn't seem angry anymore, but he also seemed to act really flamboyant. It could've just been that he was drinking, lol.

I don't know how I feel about people changing who they are once they come out. I can understand not being angry all the time anymore, but the flamboyant part seemed to come out of nowhere. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I know I changed a lot before I came out. When I was in the closet, I was a very timid and reserved kid. I was really awkward and unsure of myself. But anfter I came out, I got a huge confidence boost, and I becaome more outgoing, confident and outspoken. But that wasn't really a "change," that was just me showing more of who I really was. Maybe it's the same with my lab partner. Maybe he really was this flamboyant guy all along, and now he's showing it now that he's out.

If anyone's reading this, do you guys have any experience with people changing after coming out?