Coming Out pt 4: My first steps out to others

I was at a very awkward place in my life. I had my suicidal thoughts under control, at least for the time being. I had no idea what would happen if I were to come out and my family and friends would reject me, though. Sure, I had determined that I COULD survive if I tried, but I wasn't sure if I would have the drive to keep going. I mean, the thing that was keeping me going was the idea that killing myself would hurt my family and friends; if they reject me, then I would be as good as dead to them anyway, so how hurt would they be if I actually died? Besides, I wasn't entirely conviced at this point that there could be some personal happiness out there waiting for me, either in the form of a life-long relationship or anything else. No, at this point I had not yet found any stories that I found personally inspiring. I was a junior in highschool at this point.

I didn't have much faith that my family and friend's reactions would be positive. I had next to no trust in my friends, considering the anti-gay stuff they said so often. I had mixed feelings towards my family. Homosexuality was something that we never really talked about. I didn't know how my family was going to feel. What I did know, was what would happen if my step-mom wasn't going to be okay with it. She and I would have a falling out which would end up with me having to move out of the house. Even if my dad were okay with me being gay, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't be able to stop anything from happenning. I say this all with confidence because something similar happened with my older sister. She's straight, but she and my step-mom never really got along. She had to move out of the house while she was still in highschool.

I decided the first person I should come out to was my older brother. I chose him for a number of reasons. First of all, I'm closer to him than anyone else I know; he's always the first person I go to when I need help with something, and he's the guy who I look up to most in my life. I mean, he's this strong, tough guy, but he's also the kind of guy you can sit down and talk to. On a more practical note, he's grown up and has a place of his own. If things didn't go over well with mom and dad, I could rely on him to give me a place to stay.

I spent a month or so trying to encourage myself to come out to him. There were times when I'd be alone with him, almost tell him, and then back out at the last second. Then there were other times when I'd get close, hesitate and completely miss my opprotunity.

Finally, I was able to come out to him on Christmas day, my junior year of highschool. Yes I know, Christmas day sounds like a horrible choice, but the opprotunity came up, and that was the day I felt ready. We (my older brother, my older sister and younger sister) were all up in my room playing videogames. It was my sisters' turn, so I told them I was going to go get a soda. I asked my brother if he wanted to come with to get one too. When I said this, my older sister figured out I had something I wanted to talk to my brother about, and decided to tease me about it. "OOOOoh. Brother time, huh? Haha! GAY!" Man, she had no idea....
So my brother and I went downstairs to the basement fridge. The whole way down, I was giving myself a pep talk. When we got to the fridge, he asked me what was up. I froze and was suddenly unable to look him in the eye. I started tearing up. I was able to make a couple glances at him. He just stood there, looking at me patiently. I finally managed to say "I'm gay." I said it so quietly, I'm actually surprised that he was able to hear me the first time.

You know how you hear people say coming out feels like a huge boulder is lifted, and you suddenly feel much lighter? Well, for me, it felt more like I was centerstage, naked, in the spotlight, and I had nothing to hide behind. That means something coming from me. I never get stage fright. I was crying at this point, and I found it even harder to look at my brother in the eye. He came over and gave me a hug. He told me everything was okay, and that he still loved me just as much. He said that he was actually had a feeling I was gay, considering I never mentionned girls to him. He then asked a couple questions such as how long have I known, do I have a boyfriend, have I ever had one, do I like anyone, etc.

We kept talking until I was okay to go back upstairs. At the end of the night, he waited till we were alone again, gave me another hug, and reassured me again that he still loved me.