Coming Out pt 4: My first steps out to others

I was at a very awkward place in my life. I had my suicidal thoughts under control, at least for the time being. I had no idea what would happen if I were to come out and my family and friends would reject me, though. Sure, I had determined that I COULD survive if I tried, but I wasn't sure if I would have the drive to keep going. I mean, the thing that was keeping me going was the idea that killing myself would hurt my family and friends; if they reject me, then I would be as good as dead to them anyway, so how hurt would they be if I actually died? Besides, I wasn't entirely conviced at this point that there could be some personal happiness out there waiting for me, either in the form of a life-long relationship or anything else. No, at this point I had not yet found any stories that I found personally inspiring. I was a junior in highschool at this point.

I didn't have much faith that my family and friend's reactions would be positive. I had next to no trust in my friends, considering the anti-gay stuff they said so often. I had mixed feelings towards my family. Homosexuality was something that we never really talked about. I didn't know how my family was going to feel. What I did know, was what would happen if my step-mom wasn't going to be okay with it. She and I would have a falling out which would end up with me having to move out of the house. Even if my dad were okay with me being gay, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't be able to stop anything from happenning. I say this all with confidence because something similar happened with my older sister. She's straight, but she and my step-mom never really got along. She had to move out of the house while she was still in highschool.

I decided the first person I should come out to was my older brother. I chose him for a number of reasons. First of all, I'm closer to him than anyone else I know; he's always the first person I go to when I need help with something, and he's the guy who I look up to most in my life. I mean, he's this strong, tough guy, but he's also the kind of guy you can sit down and talk to. On a more practical note, he's grown up and has a place of his own. If things didn't go over well with mom and dad, I could rely on him to give me a place to stay.

I spent a month or so trying to encourage myself to come out to him. There were times when I'd be alone with him, almost tell him, and then back out at the last second. Then there were other times when I'd get close, hesitate and completely miss my opprotunity.

Finally, I was able to come out to him on Christmas day, my junior year of highschool. Yes I know, Christmas day sounds like a horrible choice, but the opprotunity came up, and that was the day I felt ready. We (my older brother, my older sister and younger sister) were all up in my room playing videogames. It was my sisters' turn, so I told them I was going to go get a soda. I asked my brother if he wanted to come with to get one too. When I said this, my older sister figured out I had something I wanted to talk to my brother about, and decided to tease me about it. "OOOOoh. Brother time, huh? Haha! GAY!" Man, she had no idea....
So my brother and I went downstairs to the basement fridge. The whole way down, I was giving myself a pep talk. When we got to the fridge, he asked me what was up. I froze and was suddenly unable to look him in the eye. I started tearing up. I was able to make a couple glances at him. He just stood there, looking at me patiently. I finally managed to say "I'm gay." I said it so quietly, I'm actually surprised that he was able to hear me the first time.

You know how you hear people say coming out feels like a huge boulder is lifted, and you suddenly feel much lighter? Well, for me, it felt more like I was centerstage, naked, in the spotlight, and I had nothing to hide behind. That means something coming from me. I never get stage fright. I was crying at this point, and I found it even harder to look at my brother in the eye. He came over and gave me a hug. He told me everything was okay, and that he still loved me just as much. He said that he was actually had a feeling I was gay, considering I never mentionned girls to him. He then asked a couple questions such as how long have I known, do I have a boyfriend, have I ever had one, do I like anyone, etc.

We kept talking until I was okay to go back upstairs. At the end of the night, he waited till we were alone again, gave me another hug, and reassured me again that he still loved me.

Coming Out Monologues

So my school is putting on a production of the Coming Out Monologues. The way this show works, is that students submit their coming out stories, then they read their monologue in front of an audience. You can also submit your story and have someone else read it or audition to read someone else's if you don't want to share a story of your own. I really wanted to submit one of my coming out stories and read it myself, but I had too much trouble writing it. The problem was that I couldn't keep it short enough without cutting out too much backstory and emotion for it feel like it had any sort of life or meaning in it. You know what I mean? So instead, I auditionned to read some one else's. I auditionned for a few stories, and the one I got was about a guy who is a dominant in the BDSM culture.

NOTE: I'm not into kink at all. I auditionned for this story because the story was interesting and the writer has a very clear personality, so it seemed like it wouldn't be too hard to recreate this guy's character.

Anyway, I went home this weekend so I could celebrate my sister's birthday. I hadn't told my family that I'm participating in this show, but I ended up mentionning it to them at dinner. My step mom kept asking me questions about it, wanting to know when it was so that the family could come up to see it. To be honest, I don't want her to see me perform. My step mom is the kind of person who reads too much into everything. If she saw me perform this piece, she'd start asking me lots of questions regarding why I picked this one. She'll subtly start accusing me of being into kink. Then, I'll tell her no I'm not, then she'll blunty accuse me of being into kink. I'll continue to tell her no, then she'll say "okay," but not believe me. What will make the situation worse is that the writer talks about his strainned relationship with his mom. My step mom will read too much into that too. She and I have never been particularly close, and for the most part, our relationship is all business and we simply put up with each other. She tends to make a lot of assumptions about what's going on in my head and it really pisses me off. The problem is, she and I think on different wavelengths so she has never made a correct assumption about me. It really gets annoying because she usually assumes the worst in me and it gets on my nerves.

Luckily, my brother was there during our conversation about the show. He noticed me get uncomfortable at the idea of her watching me perform, and asked me if I didn't want her to come. I explained why, and he said he understood and that he'd try to keep her from coming. God I love my brother. He said that he'd still try to make the show though. I wonder how weird it will be for him to listen to his little brother talk about tying up and spanking guys lol

Brothers

I'm a huge fan of "A gay hockey kid's life," a blog by a kid named mikey who writes some pretty insightful posts about being a closeted athlete in highschool. Here's a link to his blog http://www.hockeykidmn.com/

Anyway, today, he wrote about coming out to his little brother. I thought I'd talk about my older brother, I'll call him Alan (doesn't really fit him, imo, but the name is stuck in my head. Alan and I have always been really close. Whenever neither of us had our friends over, we usually hung out together. I have him to blame for my love of video games lol. Thanks to him, I got into all of the classics from NES and the SNES. I cry a little inside when I hear that kids my age who call themselves gamers have never played games like contra or double dragon.

I really look up to Alan. He's 10 years older than me, so he's always seemed like a mature adult to me. He was definately my primary male role model. He was strong, a hard worker, a great handyman, but he's also mellow, down to earth, kind and caring. He was also usually the first person I came to when I needed to talk about stuff, especially when it came to stuff that I needed a guy to talk to. My dad was usually busy with work, and he's pretty closed off emotionally. Alan, though, has always felt like someone I could go to. That's why Alan was the very first person I came out to.

I don't know if he realizes this, but Alan was probably more of a father figure for me growing up than my actual father was. Don't get me wrong, my dad's alright, he just doesn't really know how to connect with people. Alan got married recently, and they've been trying to have a kid. I remember awhile ago I was in the car with my brother, and he confessed that he was afraid that he was going to be a terrible parent. Back then, I hadn't realized how much of a dad Alan was to me growing up. I wish I had, cause then I could've told him how great of a job I thought he did raising me.