Coming Out pt 2: Starting Highschool

As I said before, I had a pretty strong Catholic upbringing. I've always believed in God, but I never had a really strong tie to the Catholic church itself. Not that I can remember, anyway. I remember when I was really little that my family would go to church every sunday. We'd go to Christmas and Easter mass, celebrate Advent and Lent, the whole 9 yards. Then, my mom died when I was 6. She committed suicide. After that, my family quit going to church for a long time. I think what happened is that my mom's death caused my dad to lose his faith for a while. This time was particularly hard for me because around this time, most of my close friends had just so happened to move away. I didn't have many people I could talk to. Anyway, my dad met my step-mom, who's a strong catholic, and when they married, we started attending mass regularly again. By we, I mean my dad, step-mom, new little step-sister and me. My older brother was out of the house by this point, so he didn't go, and my older sister refused. I tried to refuse too, but I still had to go.

Anyway, I also started attending Catholic grade school. there wasn't a huge difference between public grade school and Catholic grade school. If it wasn't for the uniforms and the occasional mass, you wouldn't know it was a catholic school at all. Being gay didn't bother me too much there since I was still in denial at that point.

Highschool was a bit different. For one thing, they took religion much more seriously, except they were really bad at it. I don't know what was worse: them severely misrepresenting non-Catholic people and beliefs, or them misrepresenting Catholic beiefs. I won't go into too much detail on this post. The being gay thing was more of a problem here too. I had begun to accept the truth that I was gay, but I was far from being okay with it. The anti-gay stuff was pretty terrible. it wasn't just jokes about stereotypes, sometimes kids would bluntly state how much they hate fags, completely straight-faced. Sometimes it seemed like every other comment was something anti-gay.

You know, the occasional gay joke has never really bothered me. I'm of the mindset that it's okay to make fun of people, as long as it's in moderation and everyone's included/teased. I mean, what would comedy be without making fun of people? What would be left? Puns?
The thing is, when it seems like every other joke is directed at you, it starts to hurt a little. You're not being included, you're being targeted. Sure, you know that a lot of them don't mean what they say, but when you're in the closet, it's impossible to tell who's who. It's really painful not knowing who your real friends are, and who will leave you without second thoughts if they found out you were gay. I don't know if I can even describe the feelings of loneliness. It's like you wake up every morning and think to yourself, "everyone I care about might abandon me if they found out about me." I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the best way I can describe it. What's worse is that I didn't know a single other gay student at my school. I had no one I could talk to about it. I knew I couldn't be the only one, but I might as well have been since I didn't know anyone else. At some schools, you can go talk to a teacher about this stuff. Not at my school. Even the teachers seemed to join in the anti-gay stuff once in a while.

Coming Out pt 1: the Phase

You know the phrase "bi now, gay later?" Usually when it's said, it implies that people who claim to be bi are simply unable to accept and acknowlege that they are completely gay. However, it's been suggested by psychologists that many people, particularly teenagers, experience some degree of bisexuality as their sexual attraction developes. Many people simply turn out to be bisexual as adults, while for many others, the attraction towards one sex goes away for the most part, if not entirely, while the attraction towards the other sex becomes prominent.

When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.

It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)

Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.

Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)

As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me

I'm a Mikey, are you?

Well, As I've mentionned in other posts, I'm a fan of mikey's blog, hockeykidmn, and the associated forum, mikeynation. As I found out last night, It seems as though "Mikey" does not actually exist. yo can read the post here http://www.hockeykidmn.com/
I can't express how bad I feel for Jimmy, or for theother kids who had such a strong emotional investment in Mikey for being their hero.
Mikey was never my personal hero. No, I came out long before the blog began. I did have my own heroes though. If it weren't for Corey Johnson's coming out story, http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/48-archive/226-corey-johnson-comes-out
or Richard Nolan and Robert Pingpank's http://www.nolan-pingpank.com/
I don't think I would be alive today. their stories gave me so much hope and courage. Dick and Bob's story taught me that it was in fact possible to find gay love that lasts, and that you can be happy, while Corey's gave me hope of acceptance and taught me how much difference one person coming out can make a difference in people's lives. These. stories are what drove me to accept myself, come out in high school and have an inspiring story of my own that I can be proud of.

So when I discovered this blog, I had a great deal of respect for Mikey and his work. I saw him as a hero for his followers just has Corey, Dick and Bob had been for me. I can't imagine how hurt and confused these kids must be to find out that their hero doesn't really exist. What these kids need to understand is that even though "Mikey" might not be real, the difference he's made in their lives is. I hope they realize that the strength they've gained and the steps they've taken to accept themselves from reading the blog are real and that they can never be taken away from them. The following of Mikey's blog has proven that "Mikey" does in fact exist. there are tons of Mikeys out there.

I'm a Mikey, are you?
I've decided that now is the time to share my own coming out story, so that is what my next few posts will be about. I promise you that my story is real, and that only names will be changed for privacy (as a reminder, the name "Robbie" is a pseudonym I use).

If you are also a Mikey, please introduce yourself and share your experiences in the comment box! If you want, please send a link to your blog so people reading this can find even more Mikeys!

Coming Out Monologues pt 2

So tonight, my school held it's production of the Coming Out Monologues which I participated in. We had an amazing turn out, especially considering that there was a popular band performing at my school at the same time. The audience seemed to really enjoy it. I'm very proud of myself and my castmates. I think we all did a great job.

My monologue had an interesting response. I didn't read my own story; I read someone else's. This person's monologue was about his coming out to his mom as a kinky dominate and her response to it. There was a lot of giggling and laughter in the room as I read the beginning of mine. The laughter was appropriate for the most part, since there was a decent about of humor in the beginning of it. The laughter came to a halt half-way through though. Halfway through, the guy's mom tells him that if any children disappear around the neighborhood, then she'll know who did it. Everyone laughted at first before it registered with them what the mom actually said. I was actually kindof shocked to hear them laugh at the mom's cruel comment; I thought they would understand what the comment ment immediately, rather than take a couple seconds. In hindsight, I'm glad I misunderstood, because hearing the laughter mad me extremely shocked and sad (which was how the character felt after that comment) and it showed on stage. I really wish I would have thought to adlib the line "I just got called a predator.....by my mom." I feel like that line could've brought it home. Oh well. Everyone still understood how painful the mom's comment was eventually.

After the show, I got a lot of funny comments. I have the sneaking suspition that some of my friends now think that I'm into kink (I'm not) haha oh well.

TKD Lesson

So a while ago, I promised I'd explain Tae Kwon Do a little more. I feel like making a TKD post today, so here you go.

TKD is a martial art that was developed in South Korean. Historically, It has very close ties to the Japanese martial art, Karate, and the two are often confused. They share most of the same moves, however Tae Kwon Do puts slightly more emphasis on kicking.

Within TKD, there are many branches. The two main branches are called World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and International TKD Federation (ITF). I know, there's not much of a difference between the words "world" and "international" when used to refer to a sport. Originally, I studied under ITF and earned my black belt under ITF, but the program offered at my school is a WTF program. In order to become an instructor there, I had to completely learn the new style. It was actually pretty hard to do, because a lot of the differences are subtle (such as slightly different ways to perform certain techniques), and it was hard fighting muscle memory to do things their way. Besides the subtle differences, there are also some more noticable ones. One big difference is that they teach different sets of forms. If you don't know what forms are, read my post called "New Form." Another big difference is sparring. Sparring is where two fighters put on pads and fight each other for a set period of time. There's some variation between different schools under the same branch, but here are the basic differences:

WTF sparring: If you've ever watched TKD at the olympics, this is the style you saw. It's usually continuous sparring (meaning the match continues without stopping unless there's a foul during the match). Matches are full contact. You are not allowed to kick off of the same leg without setting your leg down, so you see a lot of alternating kicks. You're also not allowed to punch to the head. Fighters are also required to wear a Hogu, or chest protector. Fighters are allowed to kick to the back as long as the area is covered by the protector. Traditionally, every technique is worth one point, so you almost never see a kick to the head. They've changed it recently so that head techniques are worth more. These matches put emphasis mostly on speed and power, and you don't see much strategy or blocking.

ITF sparring: I prefer this style. Most matches are continuous sparring, but some schools still do point sparring (meaning the match stops every time someone scores a point). Matches are medium contact. Unlike WTF, you're allowed to kick with the same leg without putting it down, so you see a lot of single leg combos. Also, you are allowed to punch to the head. Hogus are not required and most fighters on't wear them (they kill your flexability). However, you're not allowed to kick to the back. Different techniques score different points. The point system varies, but generally, more difficult techniques score more points. In these matches focus much more on strategy and technique. You also see a lot more blocking

Anyway, I think that's enough for today's lesson. If you have any questions, let me know!

Thank you for never punching me in the face

Today was an interesting day.

So I'm still working on this film project. I finally get the files to play (Yes!). Now, this is a group project and there's this one other kid who's in charge of editting (he also happens to be gay). Anyway, I'm waiting for him to show up to help me with the project. He's running very late, so I call him to ask him what's up. This was his explanation:

He and the guy he's seeing had a huge fight this morning. He was so upset by it, that he had to drive home and completely forgot about the project. He ends his explanation with "I think my nose might be broken, but I'm not sure."

I just stand there and think jesus christ. I tell him not to worry about it and to just take things easy. I see my boyfriend later today, and the first thing I say to him is, "thanks for never punching me in the face." He looked at me very confused before I explained haha.

On a sidenote, Another interesting thing that happened today is that a church group came to campus to let us all know we're going to hell. They're basically off-brand Westborough Baptists, and they come to campus once a year. They're kindof insane. I remember last year, there were these girls walking by wearing athletic shorts and the main guy told them "I don't know how the whore houses stay open. You girls are giving it away for free." Yeah.... their visits are fun. Last year, these two gay students just started making out in front of them just to piss them off. Not sure if that did any good, but it was a funny story. This year though, there weren't many interesting stories

Anyway, I hope everyone else had an amusing day!

This damn project

so in my art class, I have this film assignment. We're supposed to take clips from a movie, record ourselves discussing the clips, then edit them all together. Since I'm one of the only ones in my group who has any experience with film editting (it's one of the only artistic things I'm good at), I'm the one in charge of putting the film together. So here's what's pissing me off about it: I can't convert the film into a format that either windows movie maker or imovie can read. If I can't do that, then I can't trim it into clips.

When I first received the burned copy of the dvd, my pc would play it, but when i tried to save it on my pc, it saved them in a way that wmm could read it. I talked to my brother, who's an IT, and he recommended a program called handbrake. Now, handbrake was able to convert the files into an mpeg4. My copy of wmm can't read that. I figure, itunes can read mpeg4, i bet imovie can too. So I go to my school's mac lab, and it turns out that imovie can't. I still don't understand why. The people there recommend I try to convert it to avi. So, I look online and find a program that converts mpeg4s to avi. It finds the movie file and converts it to avi. I know that wmm reads avi, so I try to use it again. It now recognizes that the movie is there, however it won't import it because it says that the file is corrupted. I'm pretty sure it's because the avi file includes the menus and wmm doesn't know what they are. I'm getting really frustrated with all of this.

Coming Out Monologues

So my school is putting on a production of the Coming Out Monologues. The way this show works, is that students submit their coming out stories, then they read their monologue in front of an audience. You can also submit your story and have someone else read it or audition to read someone else's if you don't want to share a story of your own. I really wanted to submit one of my coming out stories and read it myself, but I had too much trouble writing it. The problem was that I couldn't keep it short enough without cutting out too much backstory and emotion for it feel like it had any sort of life or meaning in it. You know what I mean? So instead, I auditionned to read some one else's. I auditionned for a few stories, and the one I got was about a guy who is a dominant in the BDSM culture.

NOTE: I'm not into kink at all. I auditionned for this story because the story was interesting and the writer has a very clear personality, so it seemed like it wouldn't be too hard to recreate this guy's character.

Anyway, I went home this weekend so I could celebrate my sister's birthday. I hadn't told my family that I'm participating in this show, but I ended up mentionning it to them at dinner. My step mom kept asking me questions about it, wanting to know when it was so that the family could come up to see it. To be honest, I don't want her to see me perform. My step mom is the kind of person who reads too much into everything. If she saw me perform this piece, she'd start asking me lots of questions regarding why I picked this one. She'll subtly start accusing me of being into kink. Then, I'll tell her no I'm not, then she'll blunty accuse me of being into kink. I'll continue to tell her no, then she'll say "okay," but not believe me. What will make the situation worse is that the writer talks about his strainned relationship with his mom. My step mom will read too much into that too. She and I have never been particularly close, and for the most part, our relationship is all business and we simply put up with each other. She tends to make a lot of assumptions about what's going on in my head and it really pisses me off. The problem is, she and I think on different wavelengths so she has never made a correct assumption about me. It really gets annoying because she usually assumes the worst in me and it gets on my nerves.

Luckily, my brother was there during our conversation about the show. He noticed me get uncomfortable at the idea of her watching me perform, and asked me if I didn't want her to come. I explained why, and he said he understood and that he'd try to keep her from coming. God I love my brother. He said that he'd still try to make the show though. I wonder how weird it will be for him to listen to his little brother talk about tying up and spanking guys lol

My students

At TKD practice this week, our students have been going through pre-testing. Every once in a while, we hold a promotion test where students can earn their next belt rank. At this test, the head of our TKD home school (the TKD program offered at my college is a branch of this man's program) comes down to run everyone's test. Before any of our students can actually test though, my co-instructor and I have to approve them by making sure they know all of the material by having them run through it. That's what pre-testing is. Testing always makes me think back on how far each of my students have come. They really have no idea how proud I am of them. You see all kinds of kids come into TKD. The ones who I'm most proud of are the ones who find some way of bettering themselves through the program. I see angry people come in and watch them slowly learn how to control their tempers. I watch shy kids slowly become more confident and come out of their boxes.

One student, I'll call her Lisa, started coming to class when her friend dragged her along. She used to be extremely depended on her friends for motivation. Now, she's become very strong, independent, confident and no longer needs anyone as a crutch; she now comes to class on her own, even though her friend is now studying abroad and doesn't come to class with her anymore.

I think the student who I'm most proud of is that guy that I'll call Tommy. TKD is something that just does not come natural to Tommy. When he came in, he was single-handedly the most awkward student I've ever seen. However, his mentality in class is the best I've ever seen. He's kind and respectful to everyone in class, he listens to advice, he's willing to try new things all the time, and he's not afraid to give everything his all. He perseveres more than anyone I've seen. He still struggles whenever he has new techniques to learn, but he's one of the better students when it comes to the techniques that he's already learned.

I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I felt the need to express how much I care about these kids. (I call them kids, but really they're all around my age)

need to give my wrist a rest.

my wrist is really sore from all of it's.... "activity" tonight. It hurts to move it. It really sucks. Hopefully it will feel better tomorrow. I don't know how long I can wait for more..... "activity."

I hurt my wrist by thowing a bad block (how many of you actually thought I was talking about masturbating?) I was hanging out with my friends tonight, and a couple of them were pushing and hitting each other. Not actually hurting each other, just sparring. Anyway, I decided to join in. I blocked one of my friend's attacks wrong, and I hurt my wrist in the process. Ouch. Really hope it feels better in the morning. hurt wrists are terrible. Thank god for tiger balm lol

The Vow of Silence

So yesterday (4/16) was the Day of Silence. For the first time, I decided to participate. I wasn't entirely sure how effective a form of protest it was, but I decided what the hell. Right before leaving for class, I put a piece of ducktape over my mouth. I'm sure a lot of people thought I did it just to be more visible, but really, it was just so that I wouldn't accidently speak. After today, I don't think it's a very effective way of protesting the "silence" that closeted lgbt people have to go through. The people who were already very supportive of lgbt people thought what I was doing was very brave and strong, but everyone else's response was "I don't get it," or "whatever."

To be honest, none of those responses really mattered much to me. It didn't take me long to realize that taking a vow of silence for a day was a very unsettling reminder of what I went through in high school. I'll explain my day, and hopefully everyone reading this will pick up on the parallels.

I spent most of the day walking quickly and looking down and away from other people. I was terrified of looking people in the eye because I didn't want to be noticed or draw any attention to myself. The duck tape added an extra degree of humiliation. I felt ridiculous and awkward wearing it. No one else seemed to be wearing tape of any kind, so I felt really alone and isolated. I felt ashamed for being so different from everyone, and I was really paranoid that everyone was giving me funny looks and talking about me.

Being with friends was really awkward as well. It was so hard trying to communicate with them without actually speaking. At lunch, one of my friends teased me by saying "We get to make fun of Chicago all we want, and Robbie can't do anything about it!" Chicago is my favorite city and a lot of my family lives there. It's kindof like a second home for me. Making fun of Chicago is like making fun of part of me. It really sucked not being able to defend it.

I also had to deal with not being able to defend myself during class. This one girl asked me about the tape, so I showed her my pre-written card explaining what the day of silence is. She said, "I don't know If I agree with this. I mean, I don't think gay people are forced to endure silence. They choose to." She's definately right in a literal sense. I mean, lgbt people are fully capable of ending the silence by coming out, but I really wanted to tell her that for a lot of people, including me, choosing to come out means risking the love of every single person you care about, and in high school, it also means risking your entire financial support. No kid deserves to be forced to make that choice. It's so cruel. I'm glad that our country is better than it used to be, but there are still stories out there of kids losing everything. I wanted to argue all of this to her, but I couldn't.

Later that night, my friends and I went to this show that my school was putting on. Outside, there was this religious group protesting. They're a lot like the westborough baptist church, but not quite as bad. Still, they have no problem telling everyone, especially gay people, are going to hell. Meanwhile, I just stood there taking it.

At any point, I could've ripped off my tape and yelled back. But I didn't. I just stood there silently. Being silent wasn't quite the same as it was when I was in the closet. There was no fear of people's responses when I finally said something. Still, it was a similar enough experience to remind me of all the shit I used to put myself through. It reminded me of how awkward, painful and shameful it feels to be in the closet. Next time anyone argues that the day of silence is stupid cause it's not a very effective way to protest, I'll probably agree, but I'll argue that it means so much if you look at it more as a reminder of what closet life was like.

Changing

Last night, my school's GSA had it's biannual dance. I know, how popular could an LGBT dance be on a college campus be? Well, actually, this dance is maybe one of the biggest and most popular parties every semester. Tons of people come, and not just the LGBT kids on campus. We get lots of straight students, we get some high school students (you have to be 16 or older to get in) and older people as well. It's actually a lot of fun. It's held in this giant warehouse off campus. There's a giant dance stage in the middle, and tables off to the side. At the beginning, there are condoms spread over the tables. Those get taken pretty quickly lol (one will inevitably get blown up like a balloon and thrown around like a beach ball). Anyway, after the dance is half over, a drag show begins. There are these 2 professionals who always come down. They're pretty amazing. Amateurs also come up to perform at this time. My friends and I were right up next to one side of the stage, and they kept trying to get me to give ther a dollar, but I was a little afraid of what she'd do. One time, my ex gay them a dollar, and she shoved his head under her skirt. That'd be a little much for me.

Anyway, main point of this post: I bumped into my old lab partner there. When we were partners, he identified as straight. He was overall a really angry and impatient kid, but other than that he showed no reason to believe that he was gay. He talked about girls, had no problem with me talking about guys, showed no signs of being homophobic or even uncomfortable around me or anything. He was also a pretty masculine guy in both voice and mannerisms. At the dance, however, I saw him and this other guy and they were basically all over each other. At first, I thought, wow didn't see that coming but good for him for coming out! That's great! However, I noticed something that really bothered me. His personality and mannerisms seemed completely different. He didn't seem angry anymore, but he also seemed to act really flamboyant. It could've just been that he was drinking, lol.

I don't know how I feel about people changing who they are once they come out. I can understand not being angry all the time anymore, but the flamboyant part seemed to come out of nowhere. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I know I changed a lot before I came out. When I was in the closet, I was a very timid and reserved kid. I was really awkward and unsure of myself. But anfter I came out, I got a huge confidence boost, and I becaome more outgoing, confident and outspoken. But that wasn't really a "change," that was just me showing more of who I really was. Maybe it's the same with my lab partner. Maybe he really was this flamboyant guy all along, and now he's showing it now that he's out.

If anyone's reading this, do you guys have any experience with people changing after coming out?

Brothers

I'm a huge fan of "A gay hockey kid's life," a blog by a kid named mikey who writes some pretty insightful posts about being a closeted athlete in highschool. Here's a link to his blog http://www.hockeykidmn.com/

Anyway, today, he wrote about coming out to his little brother. I thought I'd talk about my older brother, I'll call him Alan (doesn't really fit him, imo, but the name is stuck in my head. Alan and I have always been really close. Whenever neither of us had our friends over, we usually hung out together. I have him to blame for my love of video games lol. Thanks to him, I got into all of the classics from NES and the SNES. I cry a little inside when I hear that kids my age who call themselves gamers have never played games like contra or double dragon.

I really look up to Alan. He's 10 years older than me, so he's always seemed like a mature adult to me. He was definately my primary male role model. He was strong, a hard worker, a great handyman, but he's also mellow, down to earth, kind and caring. He was also usually the first person I came to when I needed to talk about stuff, especially when it came to stuff that I needed a guy to talk to. My dad was usually busy with work, and he's pretty closed off emotionally. Alan, though, has always felt like someone I could go to. That's why Alan was the very first person I came out to.

I don't know if he realizes this, but Alan was probably more of a father figure for me growing up than my actual father was. Don't get me wrong, my dad's alright, he just doesn't really know how to connect with people. Alan got married recently, and they've been trying to have a kid. I remember awhile ago I was in the car with my brother, and he confessed that he was afraid that he was going to be a terrible parent. Back then, I hadn't realized how much of a dad Alan was to me growing up. I wish I had, cause then I could've told him how great of a job I thought he did raising me.