Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My first boyfriend

I was asked a long time ago about my first boyfriend. I thought I'd share a few things. I first met him through facebook. He and I were incoming freshmen to the same school, and the summer before our first semester started, the freshman class used facebook to contact future roommates, suitemates, hallmates, residential advisors, kids taking the same classes as them, etc. It was actually kind of cool to talk to these kids, knowing that I'll get to meet them in person in the near future. My first boyfriend was one of these kids. He and I were going to live on the same floor in the same dorm. When we first started talking to each other, there wasn't any intention of dating; he was dating someone at the time, and I was dealing with my first stalker.

This stalker. During summer orientation, I met one of the leaders who happened to be gay. He was really nice and told me that if I had any LGBT related questions about living on campus, that I could friend him on facebook and ask him, which I did. Not long after I did that, I received a friend request by this other guy, my stalker. I figured out from his facebook page that he was a residential advisor for my dorm, so I naturally assumed that he was my advisor and was going around friending his future residents. So, I accepted and he quickly started talking to me. I quickly found out that although he was AN advisor in my dorm, he wasn't mine. I asked him how many other kids in the dorm he had friended, and he said just me. I asked why me, and he said it was because he found me through my orientation leader's friends and thought I was cute. I was really uncomfortable with this, especially since this guy was a senior and I was an incoming freshman. I didn't like the idea of being someone's fresh meat, so I told him I wasn't interested in dating him. The problem was he kept persisting. It was really awkward when I finally met the guy in person and still had to tell him no. He eventually gave up. I found out later that this guy has a reputation for preying on freshmen.

Anyway, back to my first boyfriend. By the time school started, he had broken up with his old boyfriend. We hung out for a few times and got to know each other better. We had similar senses of humor and liked most of the same movies, music and video games. Most Importantly, he had a bit of a hard time growing up. Whereas my coming out story was extremely positive, his was not. I won't go into detail, but he had it rough. In spite of that, he tried as hard as he could to overcome all of that. I admired that kind of strength. I asked him out, and we became a couple. In retrospect, our relationship wasn't that great, but at the time I loved it. After a few months, we started having problems. He was a very moody guy, and I had trouble keeping up with it all. He also had major self-esteem issues, and dating me probably didn't help. People sometimes referred to him as "the bitch" since I had a more masculine personality than him. Also, he was overweight, while I was skinny and in decent shape. I often encouraged him to get out and exercise more, which he may have misunderstood as a sign that I had a problem with his weight. On another hand, he had problems respecting my opinions on things. I couldn't criticize him on anything without it being held against me, even if he asked me to criticize him on something. He'd also hold it against me if I defended myself when he'd accuse me of doing something wrong.

Anyway, we decided to break up. I didn't really want to break up; I wanted to work it out, but he insisted. We decided to still be friends and stay open to the idea of getting back together. The day we broke up, a number of gay guys on campus started talking to me a lot. They acted like they were concerned about how I was feeling emotionally, but I'm pretty sure they were mostly looking for an opprotunity to hit on me. I ended up going out with this one guy who seemed to be the most sincere, but on our first date he tried going for second base, so I decided to call it off right there.

I then started going out with this one guy who was the complete opposite. He was such a gentleman, he asked permission the first couple times he kissed me. After that last jerk, I really appreciated this. Still, as amazing as this guy was, I didn't have particularly strong feelings towards this guy. I thought it was because I still had feelings for my first boyfriend. What made things worse was that my first boyfriend confronted me and told me he wanted to get back together. I decided that since I still had feelings for my first boyfriend and didn't have very strong feelings for this new guy I was dating, I should go back to my first boyfriend. I explained all of this to the guy I was dating and he was very understanding.

In hindsight, this was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in terms of dating. Maybe not the breaking up with the new guy I was dating, but going back to my first boyfriend. While I was getting attention from lots of other guys, he wasn't getting any (as far as I know). I imagine he was mistaking general feelings of loneliness with feelings of wanting to be with me. I can't really blame him. I've been there. After we got back together, he quickly realized that he didn't want to be with me as much as he thought. A couple weeks after we got back together, he cheated on me. He cheated on me with a guy he just met. This guy liked my boyfriend, and my boyfriend neglected to mention that he was seeing someone. When the guy found out about me the next day, he was furious. My boyfriend immediately told me everything that had happened and we broke up.

I'm not gonna lie. I think the only other time that I was hurt as bad as this was when my mom died. I was so upset that I felt numb for days, both physically and emotionally. I could say more, but I prefer not to.

The happy ending to this story is that I eventually forgave him and now we're friends again. I'm also friends with his new boyfriend


  1. Robbie,

    It says a lot about you (all good things) that despite the problems with your first boyfriend you were able to later become friends with him and his boyfriend.

  2. heh you sound like a major prude when u were in college, dude wasnt a stalker, dude was a senior lookin for fresh meat, thats part of the game, you gotta keep em off you. its hard to understand why you felt uncomfortable, that is part of going to college. sounds like u didnt have much fun in college

  3. I don't know if i'd call myself a major prude. I save sex for relationships and try to be responsible, but I don't really care about "saving it for the one" or anything like that. I believe in saving something for the one, but I think it's stupid to have that something be sex, seeing as how libido tends to decline with age. Why treat something so important when you're not going to do it as much when you get older? I think saving the phrase "I love you," is a better choice since people can and will usually speak until they die.
    Regarding this senior, I do consider him a stalker since he wouldn't leave me alone even though I said no many times. He even tried to figure out when and where I worked in my hometown so he could come down and find me there during the summer. Naturally, this made me feel uncomfortable (especially since I'd never experienced anything like this in hs, nor did anyone tell me what to expect as a gay student in college)
    Don't worry. I've enjoyed college plenty, and am still enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, in spite of the bad stuff that happened with my first relationship, I'm grateful of all of the experiences I had before things went sour. That's probably why I was able to eventually able to forgive my first boyfriend.

    My advice to anyone reading this: Don't hold grudges. They're really not worth holding on to.

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