My students

At TKD practice this week, our students have been going through pre-testing. Every once in a while, we hold a promotion test where students can earn their next belt rank. At this test, the head of our TKD home school (the TKD program offered at my college is a branch of this man's program) comes down to run everyone's test. Before any of our students can actually test though, my co-instructor and I have to approve them by making sure they know all of the material by having them run through it. That's what pre-testing is. Testing always makes me think back on how far each of my students have come. They really have no idea how proud I am of them. You see all kinds of kids come into TKD. The ones who I'm most proud of are the ones who find some way of bettering themselves through the program. I see angry people come in and watch them slowly learn how to control their tempers. I watch shy kids slowly become more confident and come out of their boxes.

One student, I'll call her Lisa, started coming to class when her friend dragged her along. She used to be extremely depended on her friends for motivation. Now, she's become very strong, independent, confident and no longer needs anyone as a crutch; she now comes to class on her own, even though her friend is now studying abroad and doesn't come to class with her anymore.

I think the student who I'm most proud of is that guy that I'll call Tommy. TKD is something that just does not come natural to Tommy. When he came in, he was single-handedly the most awkward student I've ever seen. However, his mentality in class is the best I've ever seen. He's kind and respectful to everyone in class, he listens to advice, he's willing to try new things all the time, and he's not afraid to give everything his all. He perseveres more than anyone I've seen. He still struggles whenever he has new techniques to learn, but he's one of the better students when it comes to the techniques that he's already learned.

I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I felt the need to express how much I care about these kids. (I call them kids, but really they're all around my age)

need to give my wrist a rest.

my wrist is really sore from all of it's.... "activity" tonight. It hurts to move it. It really sucks. Hopefully it will feel better tomorrow. I don't know how long I can wait for more..... "activity."

I hurt my wrist by thowing a bad block (how many of you actually thought I was talking about masturbating?) I was hanging out with my friends tonight, and a couple of them were pushing and hitting each other. Not actually hurting each other, just sparring. Anyway, I decided to join in. I blocked one of my friend's attacks wrong, and I hurt my wrist in the process. Ouch. Really hope it feels better in the morning. hurt wrists are terrible. Thank god for tiger balm lol

The Vow of Silence

So yesterday (4/16) was the Day of Silence. For the first time, I decided to participate. I wasn't entirely sure how effective a form of protest it was, but I decided what the hell. Right before leaving for class, I put a piece of ducktape over my mouth. I'm sure a lot of people thought I did it just to be more visible, but really, it was just so that I wouldn't accidently speak. After today, I don't think it's a very effective way of protesting the "silence" that closeted lgbt people have to go through. The people who were already very supportive of lgbt people thought what I was doing was very brave and strong, but everyone else's response was "I don't get it," or "whatever."

To be honest, none of those responses really mattered much to me. It didn't take me long to realize that taking a vow of silence for a day was a very unsettling reminder of what I went through in high school. I'll explain my day, and hopefully everyone reading this will pick up on the parallels.

I spent most of the day walking quickly and looking down and away from other people. I was terrified of looking people in the eye because I didn't want to be noticed or draw any attention to myself. The duck tape added an extra degree of humiliation. I felt ridiculous and awkward wearing it. No one else seemed to be wearing tape of any kind, so I felt really alone and isolated. I felt ashamed for being so different from everyone, and I was really paranoid that everyone was giving me funny looks and talking about me.

Being with friends was really awkward as well. It was so hard trying to communicate with them without actually speaking. At lunch, one of my friends teased me by saying "We get to make fun of Chicago all we want, and Robbie can't do anything about it!" Chicago is my favorite city and a lot of my family lives there. It's kindof like a second home for me. Making fun of Chicago is like making fun of part of me. It really sucked not being able to defend it.

I also had to deal with not being able to defend myself during class. This one girl asked me about the tape, so I showed her my pre-written card explaining what the day of silence is. She said, "I don't know If I agree with this. I mean, I don't think gay people are forced to endure silence. They choose to." She's definately right in a literal sense. I mean, lgbt people are fully capable of ending the silence by coming out, but I really wanted to tell her that for a lot of people, including me, choosing to come out means risking the love of every single person you care about, and in high school, it also means risking your entire financial support. No kid deserves to be forced to make that choice. It's so cruel. I'm glad that our country is better than it used to be, but there are still stories out there of kids losing everything. I wanted to argue all of this to her, but I couldn't.

Later that night, my friends and I went to this show that my school was putting on. Outside, there was this religious group protesting. They're a lot like the westborough baptist church, but not quite as bad. Still, they have no problem telling everyone, especially gay people, are going to hell. Meanwhile, I just stood there taking it.

At any point, I could've ripped off my tape and yelled back. But I didn't. I just stood there silently. Being silent wasn't quite the same as it was when I was in the closet. There was no fear of people's responses when I finally said something. Still, it was a similar enough experience to remind me of all the shit I used to put myself through. It reminded me of how awkward, painful and shameful it feels to be in the closet. Next time anyone argues that the day of silence is stupid cause it's not a very effective way to protest, I'll probably agree, but I'll argue that it means so much if you look at it more as a reminder of what closet life was like.

Changing

Last night, my school's GSA had it's biannual dance. I know, how popular could an LGBT dance be on a college campus be? Well, actually, this dance is maybe one of the biggest and most popular parties every semester. Tons of people come, and not just the LGBT kids on campus. We get lots of straight students, we get some high school students (you have to be 16 or older to get in) and older people as well. It's actually a lot of fun. It's held in this giant warehouse off campus. There's a giant dance stage in the middle, and tables off to the side. At the beginning, there are condoms spread over the tables. Those get taken pretty quickly lol (one will inevitably get blown up like a balloon and thrown around like a beach ball). Anyway, after the dance is half over, a drag show begins. There are these 2 professionals who always come down. They're pretty amazing. Amateurs also come up to perform at this time. My friends and I were right up next to one side of the stage, and they kept trying to get me to give ther a dollar, but I was a little afraid of what she'd do. One time, my ex gay them a dollar, and she shoved his head under her skirt. That'd be a little much for me.

Anyway, main point of this post: I bumped into my old lab partner there. When we were partners, he identified as straight. He was overall a really angry and impatient kid, but other than that he showed no reason to believe that he was gay. He talked about girls, had no problem with me talking about guys, showed no signs of being homophobic or even uncomfortable around me or anything. He was also a pretty masculine guy in both voice and mannerisms. At the dance, however, I saw him and this other guy and they were basically all over each other. At first, I thought, wow didn't see that coming but good for him for coming out! That's great! However, I noticed something that really bothered me. His personality and mannerisms seemed completely different. He didn't seem angry anymore, but he also seemed to act really flamboyant. It could've just been that he was drinking, lol.

I don't know how I feel about people changing who they are once they come out. I can understand not being angry all the time anymore, but the flamboyant part seemed to come out of nowhere. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I know I changed a lot before I came out. When I was in the closet, I was a very timid and reserved kid. I was really awkward and unsure of myself. But anfter I came out, I got a huge confidence boost, and I becaome more outgoing, confident and outspoken. But that wasn't really a "change," that was just me showing more of who I really was. Maybe it's the same with my lab partner. Maybe he really was this flamboyant guy all along, and now he's showing it now that he's out.

If anyone's reading this, do you guys have any experience with people changing after coming out?

Brothers

I'm a huge fan of "A gay hockey kid's life," a blog by a kid named mikey who writes some pretty insightful posts about being a closeted athlete in highschool. Here's a link to his blog http://www.hockeykidmn.com/

Anyway, today, he wrote about coming out to his little brother. I thought I'd talk about my older brother, I'll call him Alan (doesn't really fit him, imo, but the name is stuck in my head. Alan and I have always been really close. Whenever neither of us had our friends over, we usually hung out together. I have him to blame for my love of video games lol. Thanks to him, I got into all of the classics from NES and the SNES. I cry a little inside when I hear that kids my age who call themselves gamers have never played games like contra or double dragon.

I really look up to Alan. He's 10 years older than me, so he's always seemed like a mature adult to me. He was definately my primary male role model. He was strong, a hard worker, a great handyman, but he's also mellow, down to earth, kind and caring. He was also usually the first person I came to when I needed to talk about stuff, especially when it came to stuff that I needed a guy to talk to. My dad was usually busy with work, and he's pretty closed off emotionally. Alan, though, has always felt like someone I could go to. That's why Alan was the very first person I came out to.

I don't know if he realizes this, but Alan was probably more of a father figure for me growing up than my actual father was. Don't get me wrong, my dad's alright, he just doesn't really know how to connect with people. Alan got married recently, and they've been trying to have a kid. I remember awhile ago I was in the car with my brother, and he confessed that he was afraid that he was going to be a terrible parent. Back then, I hadn't realized how much of a dad Alan was to me growing up. I wish I had, cause then I could've told him how great of a job I thought he did raising me.

New Form

So in Tae Kwon Do, there are these things called "forms," or "patterns." These forms are basically a choreographed set of moves used to demonstrate different techniques. I decided recently that it would be fun to make up a form using bits and pieces of forms I already know. Here are the ones that I'm gonna use:

Choong Moo: this is a form learned by people who learn TKD from the International TaeKwonDo Federation (ITF). It's the form I learned as a red-belt/black-stripe (the rank right before black belt) This form is maybe my favorite one to perform
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivdVFnOXu3A

Kwang Gae: This is the first black belt form in ITF. It's actually really hard to do properly since those slow movements require a lot of control. (also, those low-high double side kicks are a bitch!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QcmRQWUxao&feature=related

Koryo: This is the first black belt form for students who are trained by the World TaeKwonDo Federation (WTF). This one isn't as hard as Kwang Gae, but again, those double side kicks are really hard to do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTU0jnGs4G0

If you guys are confused by the whole ITF vs. WTF thing, don't worry, I'll explain what they are in greater detail in a later post

My best friend is gay

I've felt kindof lost this last couple weeks. A couple weeks ago, I was at home. Why my family and I were at church, my best friend's mom approached me and wanted to talk in private. She told me that her son, my friend, recently came out her as gay.

To give some backstory, her son has always been my best friend. I'm going to name him John. John and I have been friends ever since we were babies and our moms put us together during day care. He and I have been best friends ever since and we consider each other family. We've grown apart over the years (going to different schools most of your life will do that) but we've done our best to stay close and keep contact with each other. John was the very first friend I came out to. I came out to him a full year before I came out to any of my other friends.

So when his mom told me he came out, I was a little hurt. I got the impression that he came out to her a couple months ago. He never told me anything. I've always prided myself on being someone that people can approach to talk about stuff going on with them, so it was a little painful to learn that my best friend would hide something he's going through that I've had plenty of experience with. I don't know. maybe he's afraid that our friendship will become weird if he comes out.

When his mom told me, I had to bottle up what I was feeling and focus my attention on her. She was terrified that she wasn't giving her son enough support and acceptance to help him through this, or that she wasn't able to show him that she still loves him just as much as she did before. Basically, she was terrified that she wasn't being a good enough mom and she needed advice and reassurance from me. I gave her the best support I could.

Looking back, I wonder if I could've done a better job helping him earlier. When I first came out to him, he told me that he had recently been wondering if he was bi. At the time, I was so focused on my own coming out, I wasn't mentally capable to process what that really meant for him to tell me that or the idea that my best friend might also be attracted to men; I just wasn't ready for any of that. Also, he sounded so unsure when he said it, that I thought it was only recent thing and he didn't really know what his feelings were. On top of all of that, while I was discovering my own sexuality, I think I went throught that bi phase that a lot of people go through before my attraction shifted to just men. All these things put together, the only way I was able to respond was something along the lines of "Well, it's okay. It might not mean anything. Lots of people go through a bi phase for a while."

I hope what I said isn't the real reason he hasn't come out to me yet. Looking back, I could've made his coming out experience way more difficult than it would've been. I don't blame myself for not being mature enough to handle the situation when it happened. We were only 16, and I had never known anyone else personally who was openly gay. Still, my own experience was hard enough. I hope I didn't make his harder.