Coming Out Part 7: Friends and Heroes

It might sound kindof pathetic, but I fell back into depression and suicide for a while. As supportive as my Dad and best friend tried to be, their uneasiness really got to me. If I couldn't count on my Dad to stand by me in case my Mom reacted badly, then it wouldn't really matter if he supported me or not. If my best and relatively liberal friend was uneasy, then how could I trust any of the rest of my other friends?

Luckily, I was quickly brought back out of this depression. Some of you may remember in my "I'm a Mikey, are you?" post, I mentionned a few heroes of mine. This is where they come into play. I discovered Richard Nolan and Robert Pingpank's story during this time (I'm in the spring semester of my junior year in high school at this point). I found a video of them on youtube. They were interviewed for this short documentary called 10 Couples. I won't go into their story here; you can read my earlier post if you want to learn more. Anyway, reading their story really put my life into perspective. I took two big lessons from their story: a) finding someone to love for the rest of you life is possible, even for a gay guy, b) even if situations seem hopeless, you can still pull through. There's no question that the circumstances of their life was hard than mine, so I figured if they can make it, so can I. After reading their story, I was okay where I was in life.

Another hero of mine is Corey Johnson. I forget exactly when I found his story, but I remember it was about half-way through my senior year. Before reading his story, I had absolutely no intention of coming out during high school. I didn't see much of a point. I should clarify, I didn't discover Corey's story on its own. I first found Greg Congdon's story on youtube, which had a link to Corey's. You can read Greg's here http://www.outsports.com/entertainment/20020920jocks2.htm
They had very similar backgrounds, but their coming out experiences were very different. Corey was met by almost complete acceptence, while Greg lost almost everyone. Another big difference was how they came out. Corey came out on his own terms by telling everyone directly, while Greg's family and friends found out after he tried to commit suicide, and one of the nurses told her son, who played football will Greg. I don't know for sure if this difference had any actual effect on their responses, but it made sense to me to think that taking the braver route and telling people directly might make them treat me with more respect than letting them know some other way. If not, at least I'd respect myself more for my own bravery.
Note: I hope no one reads this and thinks I'm trying to insult Greg. I apologize if it reads that way. I think the outcome of his coming out sucks, but people should read it because it shows that things can in fact go wrong.

Anyway, there was something more important that I took from their stories, especially Corey's. I realized how important it would be for me to come out during high school. My high school was this catholic school in this conservative area. I didn't no any other gay students attending. I did find out after I came out that there were a couple selectively out students, but when I was a freshman and sophomore still trying to figure stuff out, I had no one I could talk to. Reading Corey's and Greg's stories, and their responses, made me realize that I might be able to change that for other gay students. Since it was my last semester at my school, I couldn't do much, but I might be able to get the ball rolling, at least.

First thing I had to do was to tell my step mom and little sister. If something bad was going to happen, it'd be better if they knew beforehand. I told my dad that I was going to come out. He seemed uncomfortable with the idea, but he was okay with it. I sat my mom down one day and I told her. She was surprisingly okay with it. I got the impression that she already knew; odds are, my dad told her beforehand. I later told my little sister while we were playing video games. She was okay with it, but I think she was unsure how to respond. I also started going to this local gay youth group. I never really felt like I belonged there, but it was nice to actually meet and talk to other gay kids.

As this was going on, I was slowly building up the courage to come out to my friends. I came out to my next best friend, who I went to grade school with. I called him out to a Best Buy parking lot and told him there. He was really comfortable with it, more that my best friend. I thought that was weird back then, but knowing what I know now, it makes more sense.

As for my high school friends, I wanted to come out to them all at once, rather than individually. A) Individually would take too long. B) I didn't want to pick favorites with them. It was hard to find an opprotunity where they were all together, and when it did happen, I would freeze up and miss my chance. Finally, I took after Corey, and created my own opprotunity. I called them all beforehand and told them that I had something important to talk about before school. Those phone calls were the most terrifying calls I'll probably ever make in my life. After I made my first call, I knew I couldn't turn back. The next day, most of them showed up. Some of them had to leave, so I couldn't wait for the others. I told them. I was extremely quiet. I tried to look them all in the eye, but it was hard. To my surprise, I was met with a giant group hug. They thought I was about to tell them I was dying. It's nice to know my friends would prefer me gay than dead lol. They were shocked though, none of them expected me to be gay. One of the rsponses I got was "But.... you're such a..... guy!" The ones who had to leave left, and some of the ones who were late showed up, so I told again. It was easier this time. Then, more friends showed up. By this third wave, I was so emotionally drained, that I told them so casually, it was like I didn't even care. I told them all to feel free to tell anyone else. I wanted the news to spread so that there'd be a greater chance for other gay students to hear someone came out. What amazes me is that I didn't get a single negative response. In fact, there were a few straight students who later came and told me how inspired they were. I never thought I'd have an impact on them. Even one of the football players (one of the biggest guys on the team) approached me asking me if I really was gay. I thought he was going to try to hurt me, but I looked at him straight in the eye and said yes. He then told me how cool it was that I came out.

The day I came out, there was one friend that seemed like something was bothering him. I thought he was uncomfortable with me being gay. However, he approached me at the end of the day and asked me if it was okay for him to tell his other gay friend about me. I told him of course.

Well, that's it guys. That's my story. Sorry it was so long, and sorry to keep you waiting for these last two parts. I'm not gonna bother telling my college coming out story. There's not much to tell really. I'll be happy to answer any questions regarding my coming out story. Also, if you want to ask me anything else, I'll try to answer those as well. Joey asked me about my first boyfriend, and Swimmerdude asked me about TKD.

Later

My best friend is gay

I've felt kindof lost this last couple weeks. A couple weeks ago, I was at home. Why my family and I were at church, my best friend's mom approached me and wanted to talk in private. She told me that her son, my friend, recently came out her as gay.

To give some backstory, her son has always been my best friend. I'm going to name him John. John and I have been friends ever since we were babies and our moms put us together during day care. He and I have been best friends ever since and we consider each other family. We've grown apart over the years (going to different schools most of your life will do that) but we've done our best to stay close and keep contact with each other. John was the very first friend I came out to. I came out to him a full year before I came out to any of my other friends.

So when his mom told me he came out, I was a little hurt. I got the impression that he came out to her a couple months ago. He never told me anything. I've always prided myself on being someone that people can approach to talk about stuff going on with them, so it was a little painful to learn that my best friend would hide something he's going through that I've had plenty of experience with. I don't know. maybe he's afraid that our friendship will become weird if he comes out.

When his mom told me, I had to bottle up what I was feeling and focus my attention on her. She was terrified that she wasn't giving her son enough support and acceptance to help him through this, or that she wasn't able to show him that she still loves him just as much as she did before. Basically, she was terrified that she wasn't being a good enough mom and she needed advice and reassurance from me. I gave her the best support I could.

Looking back, I wonder if I could've done a better job helping him earlier. When I first came out to him, he told me that he had recently been wondering if he was bi. At the time, I was so focused on my own coming out, I wasn't mentally capable to process what that really meant for him to tell me that or the idea that my best friend might also be attracted to men; I just wasn't ready for any of that. Also, he sounded so unsure when he said it, that I thought it was only recent thing and he didn't really know what his feelings were. On top of all of that, while I was discovering my own sexuality, I think I went throught that bi phase that a lot of people go through before my attraction shifted to just men. All these things put together, the only way I was able to respond was something along the lines of "Well, it's okay. It might not mean anything. Lots of people go through a bi phase for a while."

I hope what I said isn't the real reason he hasn't come out to me yet. Looking back, I could've made his coming out experience way more difficult than it would've been. I don't blame myself for not being mature enough to handle the situation when it happened. We were only 16, and I had never known anyone else personally who was openly gay. Still, my own experience was hard enough. I hope I didn't make his harder.