You know the phrase "bi now, gay later?" Usually when it's said, it implies that people who claim to be bi are simply unable to accept and acknowlege that they are completely gay. However, it's been suggested by psychologists that many people, particularly teenagers, experience some degree of bisexuality as their sexual attraction developes. Many people simply turn out to be bisexual as adults, while for many others, the attraction towards one sex goes away for the most part, if not entirely, while the attraction towards the other sex becomes prominent.
When my sexuality was first developing, I went through one of these stages. My sexual attraction, as best as I can remember, started when I was around 12-13. I remember that back then, pretty much everything aroused me. Like a lot of 12-13 year olds, I started experimenting with porn. I looked at straight porn and some lesbian porn and liked what I saw. This went on for a while. One day, I got curious and looked at some gay porn. I definately liked what I saw, but I didn't acknowlege it, probably out of denial. Even though I didn't acknowlege liking it at the time, I continued to look at it along with straight porn. It began to worry me that I liked looking at the gay porn, especially since I noticed that some days, I did like looking at women, but other days I didn't. I always liked looking at men though. I began researching homosexuality online, and discovered that many kids go through a bisexual phase before their adult orientation settles in. I convinced myself that that must be what I was going through, and that my gay feelings would go away.
It was hard for me to accept the idea that I was gay. I had very little exposure to homosexuality. All I really knew was that everone around me seemed to hate or at least look down on gay people, and that gay guys were really feminine and flamboyant. Back then, I was pretty scrawny and weak, but I wasn't either of those things. I had mostly guy friends, I and my interests were video games, tae kwon do (I began just before turning 11, so I had been doing it for a couple years at this point), paintball, anime and playing Risk. A nerd, definately, but gay? The only stereotypes that I seemed to fit was that I enjoyed acting and theater, and had a soft spot for musicals (make fun of me all you want. I love that stuff! haha). It didn't help that I had a strong Catholic background (I'll go into detail with that later)
Freshman year of highschool, I had PE, which involved showers at the end of class. I rarely braved taking one (thankfully, PE was close to the end of the day for me). Even though I didn't acknowlege that I was gay back then, I knew that bad stuff might happen if I looked at the other guys for too long. I remember thinking to myself 'don't look down, don't look down, don't look down." To my relief, I quickly became comfortable in the locker room, and sexual thoughts were far from my mind (locker rooms are too disgusting to think of sex). Still, I rarely risked taking a shower myself.
Summer after freshman year, I went to this camp. It was my second year attending this camp. If was full of nerds, so I fit right in. I was in this especially close circle of friends. Within this circle of friends was Tall, Blond and Tan, TBT (I won't use real names. a friend requested that I use descriptors instead of fake names). Anyway, I loved being around TBT. He was funny, smart and handsome. Not to mention a voice that was way too deep for a 14-15 year old that was both hysterical to listen to and sexy at the same time. I didn't realize it at the time, but I know understand that TBT was my first crush. Too bad he didn't feel the same way. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have been ready to explore with a guy at that age haha)
As time went on, my attraction towards women pretty much disappeared. Imagine how hard it is to accept being gay, when you know that you were once attracted to women. It's difficult. I remember making bargins with God, begging for those feelings to come back. I didn't want to be the gay kid. Please God. Not me. Anything but this. I want a wife and kids. Is that not good enough? Am I not good enough? Why aren't you listening to me? Am I being punished? I swear I won't make gay jokes again! I swear! Please God. Not Me
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I'm a Mikey, are you?
Well, As I've mentionned in other posts, I'm a fan of mikey's blog, hockeykidmn, and the associated forum, mikeynation. As I found out last night, It seems as though "Mikey" does not actually exist. yo can read the post here http://www.hockeykidmn.com/
I can't express how bad I feel for Jimmy, or for theother kids who had such a strong emotional investment in Mikey for being their hero.
Mikey was never my personal hero. No, I came out long before the blog began. I did have my own heroes though. If it weren't for Corey Johnson's coming out story, http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/48-archive/226-corey-johnson-comes-out
or Richard Nolan and Robert Pingpank's http://www.nolan-pingpank.com/
I don't think I would be alive today. their stories gave me so much hope and courage. Dick and Bob's story taught me that it was in fact possible to find gay love that lasts, and that you can be happy, while Corey's gave me hope of acceptance and taught me how much difference one person coming out can make a difference in people's lives. These. stories are what drove me to accept myself, come out in high school and have an inspiring story of my own that I can be proud of.
So when I discovered this blog, I had a great deal of respect for Mikey and his work. I saw him as a hero for his followers just has Corey, Dick and Bob had been for me. I can't imagine how hurt and confused these kids must be to find out that their hero doesn't really exist. What these kids need to understand is that even though "Mikey" might not be real, the difference he's made in their lives is. I hope they realize that the strength they've gained and the steps they've taken to accept themselves from reading the blog are real and that they can never be taken away from them. The following of Mikey's blog has proven that "Mikey" does in fact exist. there are tons of Mikeys out there.
I'm a Mikey, are you?
I've decided that now is the time to share my own coming out story, so that is what my next few posts will be about. I promise you that my story is real, and that only names will be changed for privacy (as a reminder, the name "Robbie" is a pseudonym I use).
If you are also a Mikey, please introduce yourself and share your experiences in the comment box! If you want, please send a link to your blog so people reading this can find even more Mikeys!
I can't express how bad I feel for Jimmy, or for theother kids who had such a strong emotional investment in Mikey for being their hero.
Mikey was never my personal hero. No, I came out long before the blog began. I did have my own heroes though. If it weren't for Corey Johnson's coming out story, http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/48-archive/226-corey-johnson-comes-out
or Richard Nolan and Robert Pingpank's http://www.nolan-pingpank.com/
I don't think I would be alive today. their stories gave me so much hope and courage. Dick and Bob's story taught me that it was in fact possible to find gay love that lasts, and that you can be happy, while Corey's gave me hope of acceptance and taught me how much difference one person coming out can make a difference in people's lives. These. stories are what drove me to accept myself, come out in high school and have an inspiring story of my own that I can be proud of.
So when I discovered this blog, I had a great deal of respect for Mikey and his work. I saw him as a hero for his followers just has Corey, Dick and Bob had been for me. I can't imagine how hurt and confused these kids must be to find out that their hero doesn't really exist. What these kids need to understand is that even though "Mikey" might not be real, the difference he's made in their lives is. I hope they realize that the strength they've gained and the steps they've taken to accept themselves from reading the blog are real and that they can never be taken away from them. The following of Mikey's blog has proven that "Mikey" does in fact exist. there are tons of Mikeys out there.
I'm a Mikey, are you?
I've decided that now is the time to share my own coming out story, so that is what my next few posts will be about. I promise you that my story is real, and that only names will be changed for privacy (as a reminder, the name "Robbie" is a pseudonym I use).
If you are also a Mikey, please introduce yourself and share your experiences in the comment box! If you want, please send a link to your blog so people reading this can find even more Mikeys!
Coming Out Monologues pt 2
So tonight, my school held it's production of the Coming Out Monologues which I participated in. We had an amazing turn out, especially considering that there was a popular band performing at my school at the same time. The audience seemed to really enjoy it. I'm very proud of myself and my castmates. I think we all did a great job.
My monologue had an interesting response. I didn't read my own story; I read someone else's. This person's monologue was about his coming out to his mom as a kinky dominate and her response to it. There was a lot of giggling and laughter in the room as I read the beginning of mine. The laughter was appropriate for the most part, since there was a decent about of humor in the beginning of it. The laughter came to a halt half-way through though. Halfway through, the guy's mom tells him that if any children disappear around the neighborhood, then she'll know who did it. Everyone laughted at first before it registered with them what the mom actually said. I was actually kindof shocked to hear them laugh at the mom's cruel comment; I thought they would understand what the comment ment immediately, rather than take a couple seconds. In hindsight, I'm glad I misunderstood, because hearing the laughter mad me extremely shocked and sad (which was how the character felt after that comment) and it showed on stage. I really wish I would have thought to adlib the line "I just got called a predator.....by my mom." I feel like that line could've brought it home. Oh well. Everyone still understood how painful the mom's comment was eventually.
After the show, I got a lot of funny comments. I have the sneaking suspition that some of my friends now think that I'm into kink (I'm not) haha oh well.
My monologue had an interesting response. I didn't read my own story; I read someone else's. This person's monologue was about his coming out to his mom as a kinky dominate and her response to it. There was a lot of giggling and laughter in the room as I read the beginning of mine. The laughter was appropriate for the most part, since there was a decent about of humor in the beginning of it. The laughter came to a halt half-way through though. Halfway through, the guy's mom tells him that if any children disappear around the neighborhood, then she'll know who did it. Everyone laughted at first before it registered with them what the mom actually said. I was actually kindof shocked to hear them laugh at the mom's cruel comment; I thought they would understand what the comment ment immediately, rather than take a couple seconds. In hindsight, I'm glad I misunderstood, because hearing the laughter mad me extremely shocked and sad (which was how the character felt after that comment) and it showed on stage. I really wish I would have thought to adlib the line "I just got called a predator.....by my mom." I feel like that line could've brought it home. Oh well. Everyone still understood how painful the mom's comment was eventually.
After the show, I got a lot of funny comments. I have the sneaking suspition that some of my friends now think that I'm into kink (I'm not) haha oh well.
Friday, April 23, 2010
TKD Lesson
So a while ago, I promised I'd explain Tae Kwon Do a little more. I feel like making a TKD post today, so here you go.
TKD is a martial art that was developed in South Korean. Historically, It has very close ties to the Japanese martial art, Karate, and the two are often confused. They share most of the same moves, however Tae Kwon Do puts slightly more emphasis on kicking.
Within TKD, there are many branches. The two main branches are called World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and International TKD Federation (ITF). I know, there's not much of a difference between the words "world" and "international" when used to refer to a sport. Originally, I studied under ITF and earned my black belt under ITF, but the program offered at my school is a WTF program. In order to become an instructor there, I had to completely learn the new style. It was actually pretty hard to do, because a lot of the differences are subtle (such as slightly different ways to perform certain techniques), and it was hard fighting muscle memory to do things their way. Besides the subtle differences, there are also some more noticable ones. One big difference is that they teach different sets of forms. If you don't know what forms are, read my post called "New Form." Another big difference is sparring. Sparring is where two fighters put on pads and fight each other for a set period of time. There's some variation between different schools under the same branch, but here are the basic differences:
WTF sparring: If you've ever watched TKD at the olympics, this is the style you saw. It's usually continuous sparring (meaning the match continues without stopping unless there's a foul during the match). Matches are full contact. You are not allowed to kick off of the same leg without setting your leg down, so you see a lot of alternating kicks. You're also not allowed to punch to the head. Fighters are also required to wear a Hogu, or chest protector. Fighters are allowed to kick to the back as long as the area is covered by the protector. Traditionally, every technique is worth one point, so you almost never see a kick to the head. They've changed it recently so that head techniques are worth more. These matches put emphasis mostly on speed and power, and you don't see much strategy or blocking.
ITF sparring: I prefer this style. Most matches are continuous sparring, but some schools still do point sparring (meaning the match stops every time someone scores a point). Matches are medium contact. Unlike WTF, you're allowed to kick with the same leg without putting it down, so you see a lot of single leg combos. Also, you are allowed to punch to the head. Hogus are not required and most fighters on't wear them (they kill your flexability). However, you're not allowed to kick to the back. Different techniques score different points. The point system varies, but generally, more difficult techniques score more points. In these matches focus much more on strategy and technique. You also see a lot more blocking
Anyway, I think that's enough for today's lesson. If you have any questions, let me know!
TKD is a martial art that was developed in South Korean. Historically, It has very close ties to the Japanese martial art, Karate, and the two are often confused. They share most of the same moves, however Tae Kwon Do puts slightly more emphasis on kicking.
Within TKD, there are many branches. The two main branches are called World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and International TKD Federation (ITF). I know, there's not much of a difference between the words "world" and "international" when used to refer to a sport. Originally, I studied under ITF and earned my black belt under ITF, but the program offered at my school is a WTF program. In order to become an instructor there, I had to completely learn the new style. It was actually pretty hard to do, because a lot of the differences are subtle (such as slightly different ways to perform certain techniques), and it was hard fighting muscle memory to do things their way. Besides the subtle differences, there are also some more noticable ones. One big difference is that they teach different sets of forms. If you don't know what forms are, read my post called "New Form." Another big difference is sparring. Sparring is where two fighters put on pads and fight each other for a set period of time. There's some variation between different schools under the same branch, but here are the basic differences:
WTF sparring: If you've ever watched TKD at the olympics, this is the style you saw. It's usually continuous sparring (meaning the match continues without stopping unless there's a foul during the match). Matches are full contact. You are not allowed to kick off of the same leg without setting your leg down, so you see a lot of alternating kicks. You're also not allowed to punch to the head. Fighters are also required to wear a Hogu, or chest protector. Fighters are allowed to kick to the back as long as the area is covered by the protector. Traditionally, every technique is worth one point, so you almost never see a kick to the head. They've changed it recently so that head techniques are worth more. These matches put emphasis mostly on speed and power, and you don't see much strategy or blocking.
ITF sparring: I prefer this style. Most matches are continuous sparring, but some schools still do point sparring (meaning the match stops every time someone scores a point). Matches are medium contact. Unlike WTF, you're allowed to kick with the same leg without putting it down, so you see a lot of single leg combos. Also, you are allowed to punch to the head. Hogus are not required and most fighters on't wear them (they kill your flexability). However, you're not allowed to kick to the back. Different techniques score different points. The point system varies, but generally, more difficult techniques score more points. In these matches focus much more on strategy and technique. You also see a lot more blocking
Anyway, I think that's enough for today's lesson. If you have any questions, let me know!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thank you for never punching me in the face
Today was an interesting day.
So I'm still working on this film project. I finally get the files to play (Yes!). Now, this is a group project and there's this one other kid who's in charge of editting (he also happens to be gay). Anyway, I'm waiting for him to show up to help me with the project. He's running very late, so I call him to ask him what's up. This was his explanation:
He and the guy he's seeing had a huge fight this morning. He was so upset by it, that he had to drive home and completely forgot about the project. He ends his explanation with "I think my nose might be broken, but I'm not sure."
I just stand there and think jesus christ. I tell him not to worry about it and to just take things easy. I see my boyfriend later today, and the first thing I say to him is, "thanks for never punching me in the face." He looked at me very confused before I explained haha.
On a sidenote, Another interesting thing that happened today is that a church group came to campus to let us all know we're going to hell. They're basically off-brand Westborough Baptists, and they come to campus once a year. They're kindof insane. I remember last year, there were these girls walking by wearing athletic shorts and the main guy told them "I don't know how the whore houses stay open. You girls are giving it away for free." Yeah.... their visits are fun. Last year, these two gay students just started making out in front of them just to piss them off. Not sure if that did any good, but it was a funny story. This year though, there weren't many interesting stories
Anyway, I hope everyone else had an amusing day!
So I'm still working on this film project. I finally get the files to play (Yes!). Now, this is a group project and there's this one other kid who's in charge of editting (he also happens to be gay). Anyway, I'm waiting for him to show up to help me with the project. He's running very late, so I call him to ask him what's up. This was his explanation:
He and the guy he's seeing had a huge fight this morning. He was so upset by it, that he had to drive home and completely forgot about the project. He ends his explanation with "I think my nose might be broken, but I'm not sure."
I just stand there and think jesus christ. I tell him not to worry about it and to just take things easy. I see my boyfriend later today, and the first thing I say to him is, "thanks for never punching me in the face." He looked at me very confused before I explained haha.
On a sidenote, Another interesting thing that happened today is that a church group came to campus to let us all know we're going to hell. They're basically off-brand Westborough Baptists, and they come to campus once a year. They're kindof insane. I remember last year, there were these girls walking by wearing athletic shorts and the main guy told them "I don't know how the whore houses stay open. You girls are giving it away for free." Yeah.... their visits are fun. Last year, these two gay students just started making out in front of them just to piss them off. Not sure if that did any good, but it was a funny story. This year though, there weren't many interesting stories
Anyway, I hope everyone else had an amusing day!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
This damn project
so in my art class, I have this film assignment. We're supposed to take clips from a movie, record ourselves discussing the clips, then edit them all together. Since I'm one of the only ones in my group who has any experience with film editting (it's one of the only artistic things I'm good at), I'm the one in charge of putting the film together. So here's what's pissing me off about it: I can't convert the film into a format that either windows movie maker or imovie can read. If I can't do that, then I can't trim it into clips.
When I first received the burned copy of the dvd, my pc would play it, but when i tried to save it on my pc, it saved them in a way that wmm could read it. I talked to my brother, who's an IT, and he recommended a program called handbrake. Now, handbrake was able to convert the files into an mpeg4. My copy of wmm can't read that. I figure, itunes can read mpeg4, i bet imovie can too. So I go to my school's mac lab, and it turns out that imovie can't. I still don't understand why. The people there recommend I try to convert it to avi. So, I look online and find a program that converts mpeg4s to avi. It finds the movie file and converts it to avi. I know that wmm reads avi, so I try to use it again. It now recognizes that the movie is there, however it won't import it because it says that the file is corrupted. I'm pretty sure it's because the avi file includes the menus and wmm doesn't know what they are. I'm getting really frustrated with all of this.
When I first received the burned copy of the dvd, my pc would play it, but when i tried to save it on my pc, it saved them in a way that wmm could read it. I talked to my brother, who's an IT, and he recommended a program called handbrake. Now, handbrake was able to convert the files into an mpeg4. My copy of wmm can't read that. I figure, itunes can read mpeg4, i bet imovie can too. So I go to my school's mac lab, and it turns out that imovie can't. I still don't understand why. The people there recommend I try to convert it to avi. So, I look online and find a program that converts mpeg4s to avi. It finds the movie file and converts it to avi. I know that wmm reads avi, so I try to use it again. It now recognizes that the movie is there, however it won't import it because it says that the file is corrupted. I'm pretty sure it's because the avi file includes the menus and wmm doesn't know what they are. I'm getting really frustrated with all of this.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Coming Out Monologues
So my school is putting on a production of the Coming Out Monologues. The way this show works, is that students submit their coming out stories, then they read their monologue in front of an audience. You can also submit your story and have someone else read it or audition to read someone else's if you don't want to share a story of your own. I really wanted to submit one of my coming out stories and read it myself, but I had too much trouble writing it. The problem was that I couldn't keep it short enough without cutting out too much backstory and emotion for it feel like it had any sort of life or meaning in it. You know what I mean? So instead, I auditionned to read some one else's. I auditionned for a few stories, and the one I got was about a guy who is a dominant in the BDSM culture.
NOTE: I'm not into kink at all. I auditionned for this story because the story was interesting and the writer has a very clear personality, so it seemed like it wouldn't be too hard to recreate this guy's character.
Anyway, I went home this weekend so I could celebrate my sister's birthday. I hadn't told my family that I'm participating in this show, but I ended up mentionning it to them at dinner. My step mom kept asking me questions about it, wanting to know when it was so that the family could come up to see it. To be honest, I don't want her to see me perform. My step mom is the kind of person who reads too much into everything. If she saw me perform this piece, she'd start asking me lots of questions regarding why I picked this one. She'll subtly start accusing me of being into kink. Then, I'll tell her no I'm not, then she'll blunty accuse me of being into kink. I'll continue to tell her no, then she'll say "okay," but not believe me. What will make the situation worse is that the writer talks about his strainned relationship with his mom. My step mom will read too much into that too. She and I have never been particularly close, and for the most part, our relationship is all business and we simply put up with each other. She tends to make a lot of assumptions about what's going on in my head and it really pisses me off. The problem is, she and I think on different wavelengths so she has never made a correct assumption about me. It really gets annoying because she usually assumes the worst in me and it gets on my nerves.
Luckily, my brother was there during our conversation about the show. He noticed me get uncomfortable at the idea of her watching me perform, and asked me if I didn't want her to come. I explained why, and he said he understood and that he'd try to keep her from coming. God I love my brother. He said that he'd still try to make the show though. I wonder how weird it will be for him to listen to his little brother talk about tying up and spanking guys lol
NOTE: I'm not into kink at all. I auditionned for this story because the story was interesting and the writer has a very clear personality, so it seemed like it wouldn't be too hard to recreate this guy's character.
Anyway, I went home this weekend so I could celebrate my sister's birthday. I hadn't told my family that I'm participating in this show, but I ended up mentionning it to them at dinner. My step mom kept asking me questions about it, wanting to know when it was so that the family could come up to see it. To be honest, I don't want her to see me perform. My step mom is the kind of person who reads too much into everything. If she saw me perform this piece, she'd start asking me lots of questions regarding why I picked this one. She'll subtly start accusing me of being into kink. Then, I'll tell her no I'm not, then she'll blunty accuse me of being into kink. I'll continue to tell her no, then she'll say "okay," but not believe me. What will make the situation worse is that the writer talks about his strainned relationship with his mom. My step mom will read too much into that too. She and I have never been particularly close, and for the most part, our relationship is all business and we simply put up with each other. She tends to make a lot of assumptions about what's going on in my head and it really pisses me off. The problem is, she and I think on different wavelengths so she has never made a correct assumption about me. It really gets annoying because she usually assumes the worst in me and it gets on my nerves.
Luckily, my brother was there during our conversation about the show. He noticed me get uncomfortable at the idea of her watching me perform, and asked me if I didn't want her to come. I explained why, and he said he understood and that he'd try to keep her from coming. God I love my brother. He said that he'd still try to make the show though. I wonder how weird it will be for him to listen to his little brother talk about tying up and spanking guys lol
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